


Fix it up

by mitsukinekouchiha



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: BaeRi, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg, bigbang
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-04-17 17:50:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4675820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitsukinekouchiha/pseuds/mitsukinekouchiha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you need to save you relation, what would be your patience limit? How much you heart and mind can resist?<br/>It worth sacrificing so much knowing that there is a greater chance of lose everything?<br/>YoungBae and SeungRi have eight years of relation, four of them married. They had been living a marvelous relationship for six years, however, the past year the only fight and distance, hurting each other until YoungBae decided to finish everything.<br/>Following is hyung advice, SeungRi make one more fight to save his marriage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Crying game

**Author's Note:**

> N/A: Everything in this story is ficticial, I only use people and environment to make something for fun, entertain and make and a tribute to the couples. Any alike to reality is just a coincidence.

_Welcome to the crying game where you lose your soul_

_Where it ain't no easy pass, you got to use the toll_

_Ain't no cruise control, you 'bout to lose control_

_Ain't no smilin' faces here, we slammin' doors and dishes_

_Sayin' we don't miss each other, but it's all fictitious_

_Sayin' that we had enough, but enough of what?_

_Another slap to the face, another uppercut_

_I'm just abusive by nature, not cause I hate ya_

_Not cause I wanna get someone to imitate ya_

_I know it's hard, I know I intimidate ya_

_But is you stayin' or goin'?_

_I couldn't breathe and you ain't even know it_

_How come you never show it?_

_All this love you speak of_

_All I want is to love and be loved_

_The Crying Game – Nicki Minaj ft. Jessie Ware_

* * *

SeungRi lost the count of how many times he had checked his cellphone that night. 2:30AM.

He was sitting in the biggest sofa in the lobby, his arms over his knees and his back arched, his sight went from the floor to the door and from the door to his cellphone again. He felt the necessity to unlock his the screen and look for the number of YoungBae and call him, but he stopped himself. Why he would accept his call this time? He hadn’t received anyone of the last twelve and he had ignored all of his messages.

At the other side of the house, passing an aisle, was the dining room with the table ready. He passed the evening cocking because they needed to celebrate. At midday he received the letter that YoungBae and he were waiting for almost a year and a half, the letter which it said if they were candidates for adoption.

As soon as he had it in his hand, he look at the front and the back of it before read the content. After that, he just screamed of emotion and happiness before start to cry in the floor hugging the simple sheet of paper.

A simple sheet of paper which could fix everything in his life.

After that, he had moved quickly. He went to the market to buy all the necessary ingredients for the favorite dish of the older and find a beautiful box where he could keep the letter and give it to him like a present.

But that didn’t matter anymore. He sighed while pushing his head backwards, his eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know what in the hell was thinking believing that could fix his marriage. How he could though in bring a child to that hell?

He stood up and walked to the dining room to start cleaning. He throw the dishes to the sink angrily, he didn't care if they broke while doing it, he wanted to throw the food to the garbage but his own conscious stopped him, so he only covered it with film and saved it in the fridge, it was already cold so it wouldn’t spoil. At the end he kept staring at the white box where he put the letter, he had decorated it with a red ribbon and attached a little pink tag in heart shape where he drew both of them with a little girl and a boy.

He took it in his hands. For a moment he wanted the world to stop, he cleaned his tears and throw the box to the garbage.

He comeback to the lobby and checked again his cellphone with the excuse of see the hour, but in reality, deep inside of him, he wished to see a missed call or message.

When he started to turn the lights off he heard how the door was opened. He cameback to look furious at the man how just came back.

YoungBae was standing in front of the door with his impeccably trousers and his marsala sweeter, that one he had gave him in his last birthday, showing the neck of his shirt. He had a briefcase in his hand and looked at him without expression.

― Why you still wake up? ―said while walking in the room and leaving his briefcase in the coffee table.

― Where you were? ―Bae looked at the younger's swollen eyes and sighed.

― Working, where you want me to be? ―he went to the kitchen and took out of the refrigerator the carton of soy milk, he saw the food in there.

― Why you came this late? ―he didn’t want to question him, really he didn’t, but he needed answers. He needed to know what the fuck was happening with his relation.

― I was working SeungRi ―he looked at him annoyed with the glass of milk in his hand―, you know sometimes I need to stay more time, it isn’t the first time I do it and won’t be the last ―SeungRi started to bite his lips so he couldn’t start to cry.

― Yes, but not two consecutive weeks YoungBae, you think I’m stupid?

― You will start to interrogate me? What is next? You will start to check my clothes so…?

― YoungBae ―he stopped him―, what wrong? Please, tell me what is happening to us… ―YoungBae passed his hand over his hair.

― Nothing is happening SeungRi ―he left the glass in the sink and saw the broken dishes―, is just your imagination and the plates don’t have any reason to suffer your outburst.

― My outbursts?! That how you call them now?! Outbursts?! ―he stared at him angrily and reproach―, I just want to know why my husband became a totally strange!

― DON’T RISE ME THE VOICE! ―SeungRi started to cry in silent after YoungBae hit the worktop. He went out of the kitchen and came back to the lobby, there he held the sofa’s back and he shrugged on itself. In his mind he repeated that he wasn’t the man who he had married―, SeungRi… I ―the man appeared in the end of the aisle.

― You promised me…―he cried out―, you promised me that nothing would change ―YoungBae came closer and sit on the sofa’s back but letting the distance―, you promised me that wouldn’t affect our relation… you promised me ―the room kept silent, the only sound were the sniffles of the younger.

― Go to sleep, you are altered ―Bae hold his shoulder and pushed him gently to the stairs so he could go to the room―, I’ll go in a moment ―SeungRi struggled and turned back to hug him.

― Make love to me ―he hide his face in the other’s neck while hugging him tightly―, make love to me, please.

― SeungRi, please ―he tried to push him but SeungRi dig his fingers in his sweeter as he kissed his neck.

― Please ―he looked into his eyes but the older looked away.

― It’s enough, go to sleep ―he pushed him with force.

― How many time had passed since we were together?

― Enou…

― No, no. Look in to my eyes ―he waited but YoungBae ignored him so he hold his face with his hands and obliged him to look at his eyes―, look at me! How many time had paced since you touch me?! How many time had paced since the last time you kissed me?! DON’T STAY LIKE THAT! HOW MANY?! AH?!... you don’t even remember, do you?

― Stop… ―he walked away around the lobby.

― I just don’t know how much I can resist… I don’t… I don’t know if you still love me. I don’t know what we are ―he sigh tiredly and turned to climb the stairs with heavy steps and went inside the room smashing the door. YoungBae staid in the lobby looking at his reflection in the screen of the TV while sprawling on the couch.

 

* * *

SeungRi opened his eyes but closed it immediately because of the sun light. He had been crying until fall asleep, and that happen in the early morning, in any moment he felt YoungBae coming in the bed but he know he was there. He knew because he didn't remember close the blinds, or put the pillows in that way, less cover himself with the blanket.

He felt his eyes filling with tears again. He would be crazy if that situation continues.

He couldn’t stand that his husband didn’t wanted to be close to him, that he didn’t wanted to have contact with him, that both of the scream at each other faking that they can have the control and stop before the star to say horrible things. And then, after all, YoungBae do something that make him feel they can still like that.

He stood up and went to the bathroom and washed his face. The cold water would help him to deflate his swollen face. He chuckled at his reflection and felt shame for him, why he would do that? He knew at the end he would be end crying like an idiot, because that was the only thing he can do.

While drying his face he watched the laundry basket. Slowly he took the shirt that was in the top, he approached to his face and breathe deeply closing his eyes.

_“What is next? You will start to check my clothes?”_

No. he didn’t do it with that intention, he just missed his scent. He missed as hell waking up in the mornings with the natural scent of his skin and went to sleep with the smell of his favorite perfume. He knew YoungBae was unable to cheat on him. Or at least that was what he still wanted to believe.

He walk to the bed room pressing the shirt in his chest and laid in the bed, he dig his face in the shirt again. He missed his kisses, his voice, his hugs.

He rolled on the bed and touch the side of the bed where the other sleep. He missed his hands over his skin, his hot skin against his while making love. He missed the way he kissed every little piece of his body while he whispering thing that made him smile like an idiot while he got lost in the pleasure of made him his. Because YoungBae was his.

He slided his hand over his clothes until reach the edge of his pajama pants and palp his half erected dick. He slowly put his hand inside and started to caress himself slowly, closing his eyes, YoungBae scent filling his senses. He started to moan quietly as he imagine the hands that were touching him wasn’t his but the ones of the man he had been in love for so long, his free hand clinging the fabric of the shirt, digging more his face in it. He didn’t make any sound while he jack off, too concentrated in remember all of cheesy words; when he cum in his pants he staid quiet, no expression in his face while staring at the wall. How much that will continue?

He stood up again and came back to the bathroom to take a shower and went to his daily routine. He bathed quickly and reviewed mentally the things in needed to do in the day while opening the blinds. The bright sun of Mid-Wilshire made him close his eyes. He show a little smile, the days in LA always look so beautiful.

He take a light breakfast ant went to the gym a couple of hours, of there he went to the bank to pay the bills and the market to buy the ingredients of the tonight dinner, this time he decided to buy less. He know he would end eating alone again.

While he was walking in the downtown passed in front of a state agency. He looked at the front at the advertisement in the window. Maybe he would came back to work, do something that made him felt that anybody could overcome him, like some years ago in Korea. He discarded the idea immediately as he walk again. He had promised YoungBae before they married that he would never come back to work.

He remembered the expression of his relatives when he told them the he would be a house husband as soon as they went to the US. At his mother hadn’t like the idea, although she knew YoungBae had a brilliant future, he had never been in favor of just one in the couple work, because the two of them needed to work to build his life.

Now SeungRi could understand more those words of his mother. Wait in home alone for your significant other was frustrating.

When he entered in his car he noticed he was close from the place where YoungBae works. If Mohammed will not go to the mountain, the mountain come to Mohammed, right? He shake his head. He was always the only one who tried to become close, and with the answer of yesterday he wasn’t sure if he still wanted to try it.

He drove in the avenue with the windows half down, the sun of midday looked like if it wanted to melt the people, he decided to pass a station service and bought something cold to drink. While taking a can of coke out his sight passed over the beers. He could bought a bottle-six and cook something good for dinner and enjoy them. Decided he took a Heineken bottle-six and paid everything.

When he came home, leave everything he had bought in the kitchen and went to the bathroom to refresh himself.

He look around the house before go to the bedroom to change in something more comfortable and start to do some cleaning. Maybe the idea of adopt a dog wasn’t that bad, at least the house wouldn’t feel so lone, and dogs always made you happy, didn’t it? They always waited anxiously for the moment you came back home.

He wouldn’t deny he loved the house were so big but sometimes he thought it was too much for just two people. He had two visit rooms, because they loved to receive their friends and relatives in their house, and one extra room which hadn’t been open in very long time, and he hadn’t though in opening yet.

Before they married, YoungBae accustomed him to be catered and pampered, not until the point he thought he could have everything he want, but that he could always give the best he can. And that increase when they came to California.

YoungBae had a very good work in a company as a project designer. When he graduate from university, he entered as a scholarship in his plant in Korea but only a year after they called for him in the US.

For that time they had two years living together so the decision of leave Korea was only hard because of the idea of said good bye to all the persons they love. In US, specifically California, they could marry and form the family they always wanted.

SeungRi sigh. At the end anything end like the wished, and he was scared that all the love that identified them as a couple finish as broken dream too.

He opened the windows to lead to the backyard and turn on the fan in the kitchen so the smoke of the meat he put in the grill won’t stay inside. While he was waiting he took out of the fridge a bag of salad and served some in a plate, pouring some spicy orange dressing.

He served the meat and take out the beers of the fridge. He opened one and give it a long sip that made him had a little headache because of the cold.

He had good food, good drinks, an expensive life but he wasn’t happy, he had been, a year ago he can swear he was the happiest person in the world, with the perfect marriage which will become the perfect family. But not anymore.

He finished the second beer and he hasn’t eat even the half in the plate, the salad still intact. He took his cellphone and unlock the screen to start to write a new message. “I miss you” was the only he tap in the touch screen and send it waiting for an answer he knew would never come.

When he finished the half of the third beer he found what he was doing and immediately stood up. He took all the beers and poured them in the sink, he wouldn’t be one of those ridiculous persons who get drunk because of a one side love, or worst, start to drink alone like an abnormal.

He laugh loudly remembering Seunghyun used to do that all the time. He always drunk alone because he was too lazy to call them or invite them, don’t even mention the idea of go out.

He served a big glass of water and came back to the table to finish his food, now more animated, maybe he should call his friends, maybe if he talk with one of his hyung he would felt better, although they were at the other side of the world they told them that he could always could on them, no matter the time, well, to Seung hyung it matter, tough giggling. He will call them later and with a little bit of lucky all of the will answer him.

 

* * *

He bite his lips nervously. He was an idiot, yes, that was what he was, because only an idiot made the same stupidly of stay wake up until high in the morning waiting for someone who didn’t care if he do it or nor.

He hate him. Now he just didn’t answer his call, now he turned off his cellphone. Why? What was he doing that he didn’t wanted to interrupt him?

When the door open he didn’t bother himself to stand up, he only look furious at him.

― Still wake up? ―SeungRi closed his eyes containing his anger, every day the same question. Like if it was the first time he do it.

― Yeah, I still wake up… and you? You work until late again? ―YoungBae frown and massaged the bridge of his nose leaving his briefcase in the smallest couch.

― SeungRi, really, I’m not in humor. It was a hard day and I just want to go sleep.

― You don’t have to say it, you only come to this house to sleep ―he said angrily while crossing his arms.

― Please, I’m not in humor for fight, can we just go to sleep?

― You’ll sleep with me? I mean, if I’m bothering you I can’t sleep here in the couch and stop doing it like it look I always do.

― You know what? Do whatever you want! ―answered the older while taking a granola bar, when he was about to throw the bundle he saw the beer bottles in the garbage―, SeungRi… Had you been drinking? ―he went out of the kitchen with a bottle in his hand.

― Are you serious? ―he look at him offended letting his arms fall at his sides and shake his head―, are you really asking me that?

― I’m asking you something! Answer me! Had you been drinking?! ―he leave the bottle in the table with a loud sound.

― And what if I’m doing it?! ―he said facing him―, it surprise me that you noticed ―said sarcastic―, you don’t notice anything, you don’t care what happen here, I can die and you would take days to notic… ―the older hands took his arms with force and pushed him violently toward his chest making him gasp in pain.

― Don’t say that ever again!! ―SeungRi struggle and free himself pushing him with all his strong, making him hit the table which made a sound at been moved in such aggressive way.

― Why?! The truth bother you?! It bother you that I said that you had become a dry, insensitive man?! ―YoungBae look at him in a way he couldn’t understand―, you don’t answer because is true?! YOU DON’T ANSWER BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE! ―he pushed him again, this time with such a force that he almost fall into the floor.

― SHUT UP! ―SeungRi looked scared at how he had raised his hand and stop himself just in time before hit his face―, SeungRi ―he contract his arm and hold his wrist―, oh god… I’m sorry… oh dear god, forgive me ―he walked two steps away. He was about to hit him, his breath became erratic when SeungRi cover his face with his hands and started to cry―: I’m sorry, I didn’t want… I’m sorry ―he walked in circles around the dining room.

― What is happening to us? ―he breath out―, how much this will continue? ―he cried and after a long time he could feel the other’s arms embracing him in a tight hug. As a reaction he round him and hide his face in his neck, crying in silence.

He slide his hand from his chest to his face and caressed his checks with love. In that moment he could see it, all the pain that was in those darks orbs filled with tears and he couldn’t resist more. He press his lips in the others in a kiss full of the love he was hiding inside for so long. Quickly the kiss became more passionate touching their bodies, arms around necks and hips.

It was a kiss both have needed for a long time. They started to walk around the house, passing the living room and going up stairs between strokes, kisses and bites which shouted the gasp when they hit the walls.

SeungRi realized how much they have walked when he fell in the bed. He started to pull Bae’s shirt when he started to kiss his neck while touching his legs, squeezing his thighs over the jeans. The younger round his hips with his legs while rubbing their hot bulges over the clothes.

When the skin of their chests touched without the clothes YoungBae stood up in shock, staying on his hands and knees, looking at one heated SeungRi breath excitedly, his eyes half opened and checks blushed―. I can´t ―he stood up from the bed.

― ¿YoungBae? –SeungRi sit in the bed, his eyes confused and his expression turning san again. The sensation of humiliation starting to take him.

― I’m sorry… I can’t. I’m sorry…

― Please, don’t do this, please, come to the bed –he stretched out his arms calling for him but the other only refused with his head and took his shirt from the floor.

― Forgive me please ―and he went out of the room. SeungRi frozen and let his arms fall. He knew it. That just confirmed everything.

The love dream had been finished.

 

* * *

SeungRi had no intension of stood up from the bed that day, he hadn’t had since a week ago when YoungBae rejected, and since then they don’t see each other, he knew he came to sleep because he felt his warm when he rest to his side, because he could felt his sight in his back when the other stared at him in the nights, but just that, they don’t talk to each other. Nothing, like if they were a couple of unknown people.

It was midday and he was still in the bed. He could slightly feel the heat of the day because he didn't wanted to adjust the thermostat. At least he wanted to feel the heat and humidity of the environment so he wouldn't feel so death inside.

― We need to talk ―hear the voice of YoungBae at that hour surprise him so he seated quickly in the bed, and for some reason the sight in the other made his chest feel tight. Something was wrong.

They went stairs down together and take sit in the largest couch, and although they were face to face they don’t see each other. YoungBae took his briefcase from the floor and take out a yellow folder and give it to him.

The tightness in his chest increased, his heart biting fast while his ears started to buzz. He didn’t need to open the folder to know what it had inside, he look at YoungBae begging him but the other didn’t see him in any moment. He shake his head and gave back the folder―. No… I don’t want to.

― SeungRi ―he leave the folder in the table―. We know is the best. Aren’t you tired? ―he took his and but the younger reject him―. Aren’t you tired of fight?

― No ―he shake his head again and move closer to him―. I’m not tired of fight because him fighting to save this. To save for what we had dreamed together.

― Save what SeungRi? What is left? ―he mumbled desperate―. How we act a week ago? What would happened if I…?

― What would it happened if you passed the night with me? ―he stopped him―. What would happened if you made love to me that night? No Bae. You and I know this isn’t over. I felt it that day while you kissed me and touched me ―he went closer as he talked, straddling him, his legs at each side in a desperate intent to keep him whit him―. You will denied it? You will denied that you don’t feel the passion and love which we used to made love until fall sleep? ―he gasped when the other pushed him to the couch to stop him.

― I want the divorce ―said looking him to the eyes, the younger shake his head again―. I want the divorce, if you don’t want to give it for the good you will give it for the bad ―he stood up and straight his clothes―. I leave you here the demand, you can sign and finish this tomorrow in peace or we can go to the tribunals, it will be as you choose ―he took his computer and leave the house.

SeungRi stay in the same position with a knot in his throat. He watched the folder and took it in his hand before started to tore it furiously.

He stay in the couch, without moving just staring a photograph which was in the wall, a picture of both of them, next to each other, for hours until he realized somebody was hitting the door.

\- ¡Fuck! ¡SeungRi! ―the hits in the door became more violent―. ¡OPEN THE DOOR! ¡I’M TIRED OF HIT IT! ―he stood up recognizing the voice and run to open the door―. I told that my fly would land at one ¡Why you didn’t went for me! You ungrateful bas…

― ¡JiYong hyung! ―he jumped over him, hugging him and starting to cry, he didn’t care if the neighbors saw him. He was tired of cry, but this time was different, now he can relieve himself without the sensation of being and idiot tangled in the sheets clinging to memories.

― ¿SeungRi? ¿What’s wrong little? ―the sweet tone of his tone comfort him in a way he couldn´t describe, his arms around him like a mother made him felt a warm sensation in his chest.

― JiYong hyung, JiYong hyung ―he cried out while the man with vibrant red hair pushed him inside the house, one of his hand pulling of his suitcase.

― SeungRi, you are worrying me, what’s wrong? Please, calm and tell me… god, quiet, what is happening? –he made him sit in the couch and saw the mess of papers in the floor, immediately he related it with his state and started to pick them. He inspected them until discover what it was―. Ri… When? What happened?

― Hyung… ―he gasped―. I don’t know ―he shook his head―. No. I’m lying, I know. It was because of what it happened with… with…

― It’s okay, it’s okay ―he stroke his back―. I’m not asking that, I’m asking what is happening now, tell me, okay?

SeungRi cleaned his tear with his arm and breath slowly trying to calm himself. Slowly he started to tell him everything, since how it started until what happened a week ago. During that time Ji and him let his tears went out and they were taking each other hands. The older stroke them slowly when he felt that the other was having problems to continue talking. JiYong just couldn’t believe the man SeungRi was talking about was his friend of all the life. A good, sweet and kind man who had given too much in order to stay with the man he said he wanted to stay the rest of his life.

When SeungRi ended of tell him everything the sunset was making long shadows in the ceramic floor. Both of them was in silent, SeungRi trying to stay calm and JiYong trying to processing all the information and when he made it he hug him with all the force he had.

― When I saw YoungBae I swear I’m gonna hit him ―the younger smile sadly and look at the floor―. Well, that explain why you didn’t go for me.

― I’m sorry… with all the thing that had been passing I don’t ever see my phone ―he pressed himself in the couch.

― And what you gonna do?

He raise his shoulders―. What else? Give him the divorce, I can’t obligate him to stay with me, if he doesn’t love me anymore, what is the point of stay with me? ―he crossed his arms and make a pout―. YoungBae and you had been love each other for so long, you two had passed for so much, god, you two were… disgusting ―JiYong let out a happy laugh remembering his youth―. Since I introduced you two, god, I knew you two would be inseparable. I never saw YoungBae eyes spark like the moment he met you. He became an idiot since that… ―his smile dropped―. I don’t want you two make the same mistake that me and SeungHyun made.

― Hyung…

― I had the chance to fight for Seung, SeungRi, and I didn’t do it, and you don’t know how much I regret that ―JiYong stare at the yard through the window―, he and me had dreams, we imagined that someday, just like you two, we could live here and get married, adopt and have a family, grow together and see play our grandsons ―he cleaned his tear quickly, the younger press his hand―. No, SeungRi, you can’t make the same I did. Listen, and listen me carefully. Fight, fight for him and your love. Don’t let it finish like this.

― But hyung… I already try it, I made everything ―he remembered all the nights he spend awake, the diners he made anxiously to share with him, all the times he had tried to seduce him. He remembered the adoption letter―. No, hyung. I don’t know if I could stand him rejecting me again.

― SeungRi… had you think of went to a professional? I mean… a therapist ―SeungRi saw him like he was crazy.

―N-no… I don’t like the idea of tell my private life to someone… if I can fix it, why should I go with an unknown person? ―said like it was the most obviously thing in the world.

― For the same reason that exist plumbers, doctors and teachers ―he smiled―. I tell you by experience Ri, fight until you can’t more, in that way, even if you lost and you can’t save you marriage, you will had the satisfaction that you didn’t stay of crossed arms ―SeungRi looked at him and nod, thinking in his words―. Now panda, feed me because I’m starving, let’s order something.

JiYong stood up and went to leave his suitcase to the room he always use―. What you want for dinner, hyung? ―he walked around the living room and cleaned the papers in the floor and throwing them to the floor. He turned on the light of the house and thanked to the heaven the visit that had come in such a hard moment to remember him why he was his favorite hyung.


	2. Won´t go home without you

_It's not over tonight_

_Just give me one more chance to make it right_

_I may not make it through the night_

_I won't go home without you_

_Won´t go home without you – Maroon5_

 

JiYong understand nothing about what was happening, no matter how much he tried, he didn´t get what was passing inside the head of the man that was almost his brother. But now he understand why he found SeungRi in such stressful state and depression.

Since they meet he had found that SeungRi was one of those persons who always was loved, by young and old, even when he had made a lot of silly stuff, the people still love him because he transpired happiness and vitality, when you was near him it was inevitable felt alive.

Although they had been living a couple of years in LA, he knew that YoungBae and SeungRi didn´t had much friends there, so obviously the love dose that SeungRi receive decreased dramatically. And even that happened, he had always believed that YoungBae was enough for him, when he stopped it was obviously he would feel worst.

He couldn’t sleep. He send SeungRi to bed so he could rest and he stayed wake up in order to see YoungBae and talk to him, he need to explain him what was happening.

But midnight came and YoungBae didn’t show himself. In that moment he decided went to slept, but he knows him and he knew if he fell asleep he wouldn’t talk with his friend.

He turned in the bed and took his cellphone to check the hour, 6AM. He sitted up and stretched. He felt tired but he was used at it because of the long night of his job as editor, so he studded up ready to make breakfast.

He opened the curtains and let the morning light fill the room. He patted his face slightly in front of the mirror. He looked so tired.

He went out of the room to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator to see what was inside and get an idea of what he could do. He wasn’t a chef, but he can made an omelet and a fruit smoothie that, no exaggerating, was delicious. He took eggs, jam and individual packages of American cheese, he took a package of strawberries that probably will cost him a scold from SeungRi, and leave them in the counter. He looked in the cabinets for a pan and then look through the window that face the garden at one of the neighbors, he could understand why they hadn’t relation with them. Some people was already leaving although was still early.

Full of curiosity he went out of the kitchen and watched by the dinner room window but he couldn’t see any movement. He stayed there with his arms crossed, just looking the sky and how the color of it was changing with the sun light.

He turned to the kitchen and he saw YoungBae walking down the stairs, ready to leave to work.

– ¿JiYong? –he looked at him with amused eyes and dropped his computer leaving his briefcase in the floor, and with long steps went where the other was and tighten him in his arms. The younger accepted the hug with a smile while closing his eyes and pressing the other against him. For both of them it was like years since the last time they saw each other so they stayed in the same position for a long time–. When you came? Why you don’t call me? I could have picked you up –he spoke hastily while resting his hand on his shoulders with a warm smile. JiYong smile back, that was his best friend, all smiles and sweet treatments, no that man that SeungRi was describing the last day. He pressed his hand on his forearms and knead the softly, wrinkling the shirt a little bit.

– I wanted to be a surprise –he smiled happily–. There is something you want to tell me bro? –his eyes turned comprehensive when the happiness in the little eyes were offset for an ashamed and sad expression–. YoungBae, what’s happening? You know you can tell me everything.

The tanned man sighed and let him go slowly–. Ji –he took two steps away and rise his sight to the roof, looking for the correct words to express himself–. I think I’m not strong as I used to be –he looked at the floor–. I can’t lie to you… I have never be a good liar.

– But you are such a good actor –he pulled him for the arm so they could sit in the sofa–. What is wrong? –he asked again, this time with a more serious and demanding tone.

YoungBae played with the ring in his finger, his wedding ring–. I’m not strong as I used to be –he said again and pressing himself in the sofa–. I promised thing I’m not sure anymore if I can do –I took off his ring, playing with it between his fingers–. When we do our votes –he choked himself with his words–. I promised him that he will always had everything, that I’ll made him happy until our death, that if it was possible, more of that –he put his ring again–. But with everything that happened.

– YoungBae –JiYong pressing his hand in the others leg–. Are you using that as an excuse? –the black haired man looked at him with a frown.

–  It isn’t an excuse! –he closed his eyes when realized he had screamed, he turn to see if someone walk down the stairs.

– You don’t want him to wake up, do you? –he looked at him with a smirk.

– Of course not, he had hadn’t enough sleep… and no –he looked ahis eyes–. It isn’t an excuse… if I had stay that day like he asked me to do it I could have evite so many things and nothing of this would be happening –he bitted his lips–. I wouldn’t come every day to find how unhappy he is with me.

– Bae, nobody is guilty about what happened.

–  Yes. I’m guilty. SeungRi asked me that day to stay with him and I didn’t do it –he passed his hand over his face–. I can’t be by his side anymore –he looked at the roof–. I can’t look at him without remember everything… JiYong… he don’t deserve this, he deserve some one that can make him happy, some one that can be by his side and help him to forget all the horrible things that we had to pass. Someone who doesn’t feel scare of touch him thinking that if he do it he will destroy his life again.

– Had you think in how SeungRi feels? In if he want this? –he sit in a way both are face to face even though the other was pressed in the sofa.

– I don’t want to see him cry anymore.

– You won’t achieve that running away –he let out frustrated–. The only thing you will achieve is both of you end unhappy –he could see the sadness and doubt, but the stubbornness too.

– No… SeungRi is strong, always self–confident. There are thousands of persons who want him by his side –JiYong sighed–. Persons that are better than me… they took him away from me once, they can do it again…

– Oh my gosh –the red haired man stud up and walk around the living room–. That too?

– You know is the true –he stud up and walked to the door–. See you later Ji.

– YoungBae –the tanned man looked at him and felt the punch that made him fall to the floor. He touched his cheek felling some blood and then look the hand in front of him–. I´m sorry, but I promised SeungRi that I’ll do it. You deserve it a lot –he pulled of his arm, raising him from the floor, the he straight his shirt.

– I know…

– Stay for breakfast –Bae smile but denied immediately.

– No, thank you… I don’t want to be here when he wake up –he looked at the stairs, the he get closer to JiYong and let him a kiss in the cheek–. You know what to do with it.

– You can give it to him if you wanted.

– Only when he is asleep –he took his briefcase and went out of the house.

JiYong walked to the window and saw him go in his car. He came back to the kitchen and turn on the stove–. What I will do with those idiots?

 

* * *

 

 

SeungRi woke up and stretched in the bed. He didn´t remember when it was the last time he had sleep that good. He look at his side and saw the untidy blankets. At least they still shearing the same bed.

He stood up and made the bed. He went to bed the last night thinking in is hyung’s idea. One part of him knew he was right. Why not go to therapies? What he can lose? The other part of himself was creaming no, that he was humiliated enough, why he should show that in front of other person?

He hear the knock in the door before JiYong entered in the room–. Good morning, I made breakfast, come now.

– Oh, yeah, I’ll be there in a moment –he ended of put the pillows. Before went out of the room the older took him by the arm and let him a little kiss in the cheek, letting him speechless–. Why?

– I really missed you –he smiled and patted his back, making him walk to the dining room.

– How do you sleep?

– Ah, I think I have jet lag. I couldn’t sleep –he scratch behind his ear giggling.

– You could take some tea or something –they sit side by side while SeungRi look at what JiYong had done.

– Mmm, I prefer coffee –said raising his mug and starting to eat.

– Well, although you don’t cook frequently you do it really good –the red haired man hit him in the arm before take a sip of his coffee–. Hyung –SeungRi said after the ended eating–. I thought a lot about it and… do you think you can help me finding a good therapist? –JiYong hit the table with his hands.

– Buuuut of course, we can look in the internet, wait, I’ll go for my computer –he stood up but RI hold his arms–. What?

– Wait, we need to clean here first –he look at the dishes in the table–. And I don’t want to think how you left the kitchen.

– Oh, sorry –he crossed is arms–. This thing of being a househusband really affected you.

– Shut up and help me to clean –JiYong pulled his ear.

– It looks like all this American environment had made you forget how to treat your elders.

They stood up and started to clean the house between discussions and screams. SeungRi was happy, that kind of situations remember him when he was just a seventeen little boy who the only thing he mattered was help his family and went out with his friends and get lost in all the things it wasn’t supposed he should do at his young age.

JiYong and he met each other when he had fifteen year in one of those many parties where nobody ask you if you were old enough to drink like a kosaco, the talked and drank until they found that he had a lot of this in common although the ages difference. The used to go out at every party and while they became closer, JiYong helped him to finish his studies and supported him to found a better job, one where he could explode all his abilities.

And of course, after he gain his completely trust he introduced him his brother of other mother, the one who became the love of his life.

When the finished the cleaning both sat in the L shape sofa, each one with his respective computer in their lap, the clock marking the two and quarter. They started to look in recommendation webpages and forum to find a good therapist who especially in in couples. SeungRi prefer someone who especially in homosexual couples buy JiYong only had hit him in the head telling him that was stupid.

– What about her? A woman, Bettina Soestw-Soestwohner –he tried to pronounce and showed him the screen.

– Oh god no –he shake his head immediately–. She looks like an old lady who looked so bad a time ago because I was talking alone in the street.

– It’s obviously, who talk alone in the middle of the street?

– Me, obviously –he gave back the computer and continue looking–. Look, looklooklook, look at this one: Paul Keeley, “I had a deep respect for those one who enter in my office and the ones who want to fic their problems which can be painful and very hard to overcome” –he showed him the screen–. And he isn’t bad –he rise his eyebrows playfully but he cover his head with his hand to prevent a possible new punch when he was the stare from the other.

– No. You will go to couple therapy, COUPLE, aish –the stay a little bit more in silent while searching in more webpages until JiYong jumped excited–. I found it, I found it –he passed the computer to the other.

– Bruce Weinberg, “Los Angeles can be a hard place where to find quality relations, people who you can trust and genuinely worry for the thing that were happened in your mind…” well if he wanted to win my attention he had achieved it –he continue reading–. “ _Master and training in troubles that involve death, depression and lose…”_ JiYong hyung… I think this is the right one… it is in Wilshire boulevard… I think it’s about thirty minutes in traffic since here…

– Call now –he passed him his cellphone.

– ¿Now? –he took the phone.

– ¿Now? –he tried to imitate him–. Yes, or you want to wait until the next week? Quickly, we don’t have all day… but look, it said he had experience in homosexual, transsexual and heterosexual couples, just what you wanted.

– Shut up, I’m calling now –he made a gest with his hand–. Hi, good afternoon, I’m calling to get an appointment with the doctor Weinberg… yeas, mi name is SeungHyun Lee, I would like to know if he could receive me in a… ahm… a couple session –JiYong cover his mouth with his hand to prevent his laugh but he hit SeungRi with his foot because he turned completely red–. Yes, I can wait –he pushed JiYong that now was trying to tickle him–. Ah, at five? No, no, it’s okay… thank you so much.

– Why you never use you married name? –JiYong asked when he left the phone in the table.

– No, I don’t like it, Dong SeungHyun doesn´t sounds good –he curled himself in the sofa–. Hyung…

– Hhm?

– You said yesterday that you regret brake up with Seung hyung… but I was thinking and y never knew why you two brake up –he rested his chin in his arms, that were resting in his knees–, it was just a few months later we came here, right? –he turned to see him when he heard the sigh.

– Seung and I had had problems for a long time. I always believed it were the problems a common couple had… I guess it weren’t.

– But what kind of problems? I mean, how it started? At least I have the idea that every started because of what it happened a year ago –he lowered his head.

– You know… I just had received my job in the editorial and I had a lot of work, sometimes I needed to pass the night in the house of the authors I worked –he left the computer in the table–. Seunghyun didn’t like it but there was nothing I could do, I really wanted that job, so I always worked perfectly. I did everything possible to pass time with him but then his job started to interpose so we saw each other less and less –he let out a heavy sigh–. There were times when the only thing we did was make love –he smile softly–, or at first it was like that, after we only fuck –SeungRi looked at him without words–. I guess we did that because we didn’t wanted to cheat… we almost didn’t talked, then it came the insecurity and the doubts. We started to loose trust and then we started to fight –he rested his head in the sofa and buried his fingers in his hair–. But even all those things I still loved him… I’m still doing it –SeungRi left his computer to his side and slide to hug him.

– I’m sorry.

– Why maknae? It isn’t your fault –he patted his head and pressed his fingers over his eyes, wiping away some tears–. At what time is your appointment with the doctor?

– At five. Just an hour more –he leaned back in the sofa and take his phone–. I’m a little nervous, what I’m supposed to say?

– The true, whatever he ask you always answer him the true –they looked at their reflection in the TV–. You know what should we do? After go out of there we should go to dinner and then go to drink something, you know, like the old good times.

– Mhn I don’t know –he massaged his neck–. You know… you and me drinking? We would have some problems to stop, and don’t you dare to say no –he laughed.

– Yah, we aren’t some children, and we still need to say to YoungBae and that –he kicked him–. Come on, we had to get ready and I know the midafternoon traffic of LA isn’t the best in the world.

– You don’t have any idea of how awful it is –he stood up and straightened his clothes.

 

* * *

 

JiYong was excited because the building were the doctor’s office was in Beverly Hills, and he felt dreamed. It wasn’t the first time he was in California, but every time he was there he felt the necessity of stay there forever, the environment, the weather, he liked everything. He not even care the traffic in the streets, he looked from one side to another, imagining himself like some kind of super movie star passing his evenings shopping in the luxuries shops… but probably it wasn't pleasing at all if he thought in how crazy the fans were in those days. SeungRi was at his side driving while talking were they should go to dinner.

Both were happy that a big parking lot was in front of the enormous office block, so they didn't needed to walk too much. At the end, they arrived five minutes earlier.

In the building lobby was a long desk where seven people were, and a fountain was rounded by a big waiting lounge.

They get closer to the desk and looked who of them they need to talk to advise they had arrived.

– Good afternoon… we have an appointment with the doctor Weinberg, he said he can receive me at five –Ri cached the attention of a man that was checking some folders.

– Oh –the man typed something in the computer–. Mister Lee? –he nodded while Ji looked at the place pacing his weigh from one foot to the other. The receptionist pressed a couple of numbers in the telephone–. Doctor? Mister Lee had arrived… okay sir –he hand up–. The doctor Weinberg will receive you now, fourth floor, at the right, room 800.

– Thank you –SeungRi smiled and turns to the elevator, Ji made a little vow making smile the man while corresponding the gesture.

Inside the elevator SeungRi felt his hand sweating so he rubbed them again and again in his jeans. JiYong caressed his back to calm him, Ri looked at him and only sighed before the elevator stooped and the doors opened.

The aisle was silent and the doctor’s office was at the end of it. They knocked the door and a moment after this was opened by a man with glasses. Brown hair and skin extremely pale, his brown eyes behind the glasses.

– Mister Lee?

– Yeah… good afternoon.

– Good afternoon, come on, get in –he opened completely the door and let them pass.

The first thing that received him was and enormous living room with clear rounded sofas. The window gave a quiet atmosphere at the room and the beige tone in the walls balanced everything. He was surprised to find three doors spread around the living room. The man gave them a sing to sit in the small loveseat while he sit in the armchair in front of them.

– My name is Bruce Weinberg, medical therapist, it’s a pleasure –he starched their hands–. Well, do you said you want to start a therapy together? –JiYong made a confused expression and started to shake his head while denying with his hands.

– Oh, no, no, no, I’m not his husband, I’m friend of the couple –SeungRi let an out a small giggle.

– My mistake, then –he look at the other–. Could you accompany me to another room? –he looked at JiYong–, I hope you don’t mind wait a little but this kind of things should only involucrate the couple.

– Don’t worry –the red haired man smile–, I know the need to fix this by themselves.

SeungRi smiled at him before stand up and follow the doctor who had opened one of the three doors. The first thing he thought was the typical sofa the doctors had in the movies. A big, black reposet and next of it an armchair that look extremely comfortable.

– Sit down, please –SeungRi sat in the reposet and let out a sigh when he found a comfortable spot–. Relax, this isn´t a session, and although it was, you don’t have why to be tense –he could feel the smile in his voice.

– I’m sorry –he chuckled nervously–. It’s just… I still can’t believe I had accepted to come here –he wiped the sweet of his hands in his jeans again.

– Since his couple hasn’t come I suspect he disagrees the idea.

– I don’t even proposed it yet –he glanced the bookcase that was next to him–. I had to convince myself first that this was a good idea.

– What make you decided to come here? –the doctor get comfortable too.

– My hyu… my friend… we know each other for a long time, in fact, he was the one who introduce me with my husband, they are like brothers, he wants as much as me that we can find a way to fix our marriage before sing the divorce.

– He asked for the divorce? –SeungRi let out a sad sigh and nodded–. Well… first of all, I need you to answer this question: it be worth? If he already asked for the divorce it’s because he is convinced it is the best option –the younger one was taken by surprise with the question making him turn to see the therapist who rise his eyebrows–. Take a minute to answer. It be worth? This therapy tends to work in a seventy five percent of the cases, but is a hard process that can be really hurtful –SeungRi looked out the window that was in front of him–, it tend to come out thing you couple hates about you, but the ones which loves too. The best and the most horrible moments, the lake of communication, the auto-repression –Ri clenched his shirt between his fingers while closing his eyes. YoungBae and him had passed a lot of difficult moments, things that had made them be where they are now and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to revive all of them–. Because of that, take a moment and decide if all of this will worth, and if you think your will think the same.

Doctor Weinberg stood up and went out the room leaving him alone. He stay there with his eyes closed.

It be worth? Revive so many horrible things. It be really worth? He opened his eyes when he felt tears in them. He knew both of them had lived a lot of hard moments that made them share tears but in that moment they were together, everything was okay. Now it wasn’t the same.

He stood up and get close to the window and look through it. It be worth? It was the only thing in his head.

He look at his finger, the one where it was his wedding ring. He took it off and caressed it with his pad, the sunset light made it shine, standing out the name of YoungBae that was impressed in the upper part. He turned it and read the inscription he knew by memory. “ _Love, faith and hope together._ ” He smiled when he remember how much they discussed about what should be the phrase there.

YoungBae wanted a biblical passage, he a French phrase, but in the end they had decided for that one, because they knew it would help their marriage to be strong.

He pressed his ring in his hand and took it to his chest. His mind play with him making him remember all those moment that made him felt devastated, broke… useless. He remembered the words YoungBae had told him with tears in his eyes while holding him in his arms. “ _Nothing of this is your fault… we are together, that’s everything we need to continue, just don’t let my hand go, no mather what, just don’t let it go._ ”

He looked at his ring and put it on again, he hear the door being opened and cleaned the tear’s remains in his eyes.

– And? –he turned around to face the doctor, who was sitting in his armchair again–. What was his decision? –he nodded.

– Even if this don’t work, I want to do it –the doctor smiled.

– I’m happy to hear that… then let me talk about how is this –he crossed his legs, resting his ankles on his knee–. The program is from six months to one year, depending how long you want to take it, they are cases then even in less time the couple feels his relation had become stronger… we make a session one a week during the first months and after we start to delaying, one every two, three weeks or once a month depending of the progress –SeungRi nodded silently while sitting in the reposet–. In every appointment we make a couple session of thirty to forty minutes and the rest of time it divided in individual sessions, about my fees, well, you pay for appointment and not by procedure –SeungRi nodded again, and in case you were wondering, this will not be charged –for some reason both laughed–. When would you like us to start? How best fits your schedule?

– Well… my husband leave the work at six… I think seven would be okay, if I can convince him.

– Then let’s make the appointment, come with me –the came back to the living room where JiYong as playing with his cellphone. Quickly SeungRi went with him while the doctor took out a tablet–. The next week it’s okay? I have free Tuesday from six to seven and from seven to eight.

JiYong and SeungRi look at each other and then the doctor–. At seven… I had to confirm the appointment?

– Preferably yes –he smiled–. You already took the first step mister Lee, now it’s only his husband who has to give it.

– I hope he do it –he smile nervously and Ji patted his head–. Thank you for receiving ous doctor, I will do everything as possible to be here.

– It’s okay, don’t worry. What it matters is both of you came with the intention of fix their problems –he stood up and accompanied them to the door–. If not, there would be no point in doing all this –SeungRi nodded and shake hands with the doctor.

When both were out they let out a sigh like if they were holding his breath all this time. Both walk to the elevator and went out the building but not before saying goodbye secretary who smiled and waved.

JiYong had had the necessity to tell SeungRi they should walk for the boulevard and see the stores to find something interesting but the younger looked so lost that he only followed him silently. They were sitting a long time with only the sound of the music and the car’s motor, the windows half open because it was still hot outside.

– Hey… –he tried to stop the uncomfortable atmosphere–. While you was talking with the doctor u was looking for places to dinner, there is a place not too far away from here of Vietnamese food, it looks incredible and one block away is Sprinkles Cupcakes –he jumped excited–. I had always wanted to try them, you know, the owner appears in Cupcake Wars and all that stuff…

– It isn’t too late, maybe is still open –he whispered.

– Are you hearing me? –he frowned and immediately Ri turn to saw him.

– Hyung. Can we go somewhere before? –JiYong couldn’t understand the sight in his dongseang eyes in that moment but whatever he needed to do was important.

– Yes, of course, it’s your car after all… but we need to go to Sprinkles Cupcakes –SeungRi laugh.

– You have an expensive taste, I know what restaurant you’re talking about –he accelerated and went off out the parking lot–, you’ll be lucky if we get a table, and more luckiest if we get some cupcakes before the close.

 

* * *

 

SeungRi looked through the windows that rounded the breakfast area in the kitchen, in front of them two boxes of cupcakes, all of different flavors. At the end they bought as much as they could because JiYong was affirmed he need to taste all of them or he would have an attack panic, or something like that was what he said while he took the other two boxes to his room. He chuckle and opened one of the boxes to take one and give it a bite but the sound of a door being opened stopped him. He looked at his phone screen. Twelve thirty. This time he was early, he kept in silence and waited for YoungBae entered the kitchen.

When he saw each other both kept silent. SeungRi endured a smile when the eyes of the older strayed at the cupcake box nervously, he knew he loved sweet stuff–. You want one? I think we bought too much, it we don’t eat them all they’ll spoil –bae nodded and took the box that was offered to take one–. Could you sit? It would be only a moment –he kept his hand in the table staring at him. The older one doubted but at the end he sit facing each other–. I want to propose you something.

– You sign the divorce?

– Could you listen to me for a moment? –he inhale deeply to keep calm–. I won’t sing anything –he raised his hand when he saw YoungBae was about to say something–. Let me finish… I want us to go to couple therapy.

– For what? –he looked at him like he was crazy.

– For what? To try to fix this –YoungBae sighed–. Please, I swear, if in the first six months…

– ¿Six months? –he pulled back with angry face.

– Let me finish, damn it! –he massage his temples–. You stress me, you really, really stress me… six months are the minimal time of couple therapy, if in that time we don’t see any change I swear to you that I myself will take the papers to the judge and will be end this in a civilize way… only six months, just six months, please –he saw him with pleading eyes and YoungBae felt that something inside of him move.

– Only six months –he gulped slowly–. Okay, but only six months –Ri smiled and both stay silent glancing at each other.

– I’ll go to sleep –he stood up looking how YoungBae took off the paper cup of one of the cupcakes–. Don’t eat too much or you’ll have stomachache –he took courage and peek him in the cheek, taking him by surprise who was about to take a bit, making him to made a mess with the topping–. Good night –he caressed his hair and moved away, when he reached the door of the kitchen he turned to saw him eat–. YoungBae.

– Hmm?

– Don’t let my hand go –he said in a sad tone making the other saw him–. I won’t let go yours, so please, don’t let it go –and went out leaving him alones with his al eaten cupcake.

YoungBae saw the rest of them in the box and closed it, suddenly he doesn’t feel hungry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So~ okay, first of all, thank you so much to all the people who subscribed to the story, I’m so, soooo happy.  
> And sorry for the delay ñ.ñ it took me a little bit to translate it because, well, this story isn’t finished yet, and I have a couple of other works (Baeri fanfics too~) if you have not patience like me and if you understand Spanish, you can read the in Wattpad or in AmorYaoi.  
> Thank you again for the support. Lots of love and kisses ^3^


	3. Lovesick

_As if I’m possessed by something, my heart feels stuffy_

_At some point, I became your patient, I can’t speak_

_This sickness doesn’t need a diagnosis, just hug me_

_You are the reason I live right now, I need you_

_Lovesick – B.A.P_

 

SeungRi woke up in the middle of the night and felt an arm round him. He stopped breathing for a moment, scared that any movement could make the warm around him pull apart. He stretched out an arm and took his cellphone, four and thirty-six in the morning, too early yet. He leave his cellphone in the night stand and caressed the arms that rounded his waist, just to make sure he wasn´t imagining it or dreaming, he smiled.

YoungBae was hugging him while sleeping, it a gesture completely involuntary but it was a long time since he do that with him, at least, he had didn’t noticed.

He turned slowly trying not to wake up the other who only growled asleep―. You look tired ―he ran his fingers over the darks circles under the older eyes―. I don’t understand why you leave so early and come back so late but if you continue like this you’ll get sick ―he said to himself. There was so many things he didn´t understand about his husband, things that made him doubt. Maybe he was cheating? It could be someone from his workplace? He denied silently, he shouldn´t have that kind of thoughts, even if they were having problems he should remain confident. He snuggle closer to his chest feeling the hug tighten and hearing the weird sound the other made while moving his lips, SeungRi chuckle spellbound―. Rest a little more love ―he press a kiss in his chin and closed his eyes.

When he opened again the sun was out already and, like always, YoungBae wasn´t there.

He sat up and stretch. It was Saturday and nothing could make him happier, he loved the weekends because Bae didn´t have to work and normally they spend the day in house.

He got out of the bed and took a quick shower. When he came down the stairs, clean and fresh, he saw nobody in the living room.

Confused he went to the kitchen and again he didn’t found anyone, there were just two cups in the sink. He frowned and put his hands on his hips, where they could go? He knew YoungBae and JiYong were up because of the cups but he had no idea of where they could be―. _Maybe they go jogging._

― Yah! Yah! Yah! You win! ―he turn around when he heard the noised in the yard, he went to the breakfast area and raised the curtains to see how the two were lying on top of each other covered in grass. JiYong writhed trying to take the other off who only laughed and had pressed the arms who were trying to hit him.

― What are you doing? ―he chuckled walking to the backyard door―. You two aren’t children anymore, you’re going to get hurt ―he stayed in the only part which had ceramic because he was shoeless and he didn’t wanted to get dirty.

― Are you calling me old?! Ahg! ―YoungBae’s laugh filled the yard while pressing JiYong’s body more.

― Ready? ―the red haired man denied while trying to stand up―. Sure?

― YoungBae, you’re going to hurt him? ―SeungRi warned connecting their gazes for a moment.

― I don’t going to let him go until he say I win ―the younger rolled his eyes shaking his head while the other two continue their little fight.

― Ok, ok, you win ―YoungBae stood up and then helped JiYong―. SeungRi, what in the fuck you give this man to eat? ―he pressed his hands on his hips arching his back―. You say he’s always in his work, how he’s still so strong? ―he move his shoulder calming the pain in his back.

― Don’t put me in this ―he said followed by the other two in to the house―. By the way, what are you two were doing?

― JiYong was trying to probe he can hit me again ―YoungBae answered.

― Again? ―SeungRi looked at him confused, YoungBae understood he said too much―. What do you mean with again?

― Nothing, nothing ―JiYong shake his hands and hug him―. What if you make the breakfast today? Ah? ―SeungRi frowned but accepted, anyway he would find the way to make JiYong tell him everything.

Both elders look at him until he disappeared in the kitchen silently.

― You didn’t say anything about what we talk, do you? ―JiYong shake his head looking at him―. Thanks.

― Look bae, I want you to fix your things, mostly because your reasons are a shit, but I don´t planning to make more, couple problems fix like that, in couple ―both went to the kitchen―, I just give you a little push ―he pushed him with his hip―. Tell me in what I can help you maknae?

The tanned man keep staring at them, he scratched the back of his neck and shake his head while sarin at the floor. There was no turn around, he will keep his promise with SeungRi, they’ll go to the therapies for six months and after that he will ask him again to sign the divorce. It was decided.

He went with the other two and took the pan―, go sit up, I’ll make the breakfast today ―SeungRi stared at him and shake his head.

― It’ll be faster if we all made it together ―he took the pan again―. What if you cut some fruit? And JiYong… well, it would be better if JiYong go sit up because he made a mess the last time.

JiYong frowned―. Yeah, of course, of course but you can´t denied you loved my food ―he gave him a bitchy glance―. However, let make it fast because if have a date ―the couple look at him surprised―. I didn´t come here just to see you, I have a couple of business here.

― Business? ―YoungBae took a big piece of watermelon from the fridge.

― Yeah, one of the books I edited is going to be translated to English so I came to have an agreement with the editorial that is interested in publish it ―he smile proudly.

― That’s awesome hyung! Congratulations! ―SeungRi left the pan in the fire to hug the red haired man.

― SeungRi! ―YoungBae reprimanded him turning off the fire staring at him angry.

― What?

― What? How many times I have to tell you that you must not leave thing in the fire? You aren’t a child.

― And now you’re going to star to fight ―JiYong went out the kitchen covering his hears leaving them alone. Both stare at each other ashamed but said nothing and continued cooking.

 

* * *

 

YoungBae was finishing of order his books. SeungRi had cleaned the case but he ordered them by size and not in alphabetic order, it’s not he had an OCD or something like that but it really bother him that his books were bad ordered, in general, that anything were in disorder.

He opened the cabinet were they keep their DVDs and took a random movie. Since it was weekend and he had no work pending he could take the evening to see some movies. He went upstairs to search a pillow, the cushions from the sofa were comfortable but not as much as his pillow.

― Then I begin this Monday ―he stopped before open the door from his bedroom. SeungRi was talking with someone, he knew it was bad but he get closer to hear better―. No, no, there is no problem, I’m anxious to start ―he pressed his heat to the wood. What he was talking? Star? He was sure the therapies started the Tuesday, not the Monday―. Thank you ―he heard him laugh―, that is really flattering, trust me, you will not regret this decision… yes, yes, sorry, without honorifics, then we see the Monday at nine? Because I can be there earlier… okay… bye ―he opened the door taking the younger by surprise.

― You were talking? ―he went straight to the bed.

― No… I was about to call my mother bit I think I’m going to wait a little more ―YoungBae frowned because was lying to him―. You come for something?

― Yeah, I’m going to watch a movie and came for a pillow ―SeungRi extended his arm to see witch movie was and his eyes shine when he saw the cover―. You can watch it with me if you want ―he shrugged taking back the case and the other jump off from the bed.

― Yes! ―he took two pillow and went out from the bedroom with him―. Should I make popcorn? ―bae nodded―. Plain or butter?

― Plain is okay, I’m going to put the DVD ―he glanced toward the stairs, more specifically to the room as he threw the cushions in a corner of the couch―. Who was he talking?

― Say something?

― Nothing, and the popcorn?

― In the micro ―he sit with his legs crossed over the sofa and hugged the pillow―. I will go for it when it’s ready…

― It took the only four minutes to be ready ―the sound of the microwave heard from the kitchen and SeungRi clucked―. You see? ―he stood up and went to the kitchen coming back with a bowl in one hand and a bother of catchup in the other. Bae made a discussed expression―. Took other bowl, don’t you ever dare to think I’m going to let you put that ―he pointed the bottle and SeungRi only smiled while sitting.

― I’m only going to put it in one side, come on, star the movie ―he opened the bottle and YoungBae heard the suction sound and the smell made him feel disgust.

― I don’t know how you can like put that ―he jump a little when he felt SeungRi head in his shoulder while he put the bowl between them. In no time he found that he was getting comfortable over him, all his weigh over his shoulder.

― You know I like them like this.

Both keep silent while the sound of the movie filled the living room, he hands touched sometimes when both took popcorn, and each time Bae's fingers found a moistened rosette with ketchup he gave a slight push to SeungRi muttering about how disgusting it was eating that, in response the younger poured more ketchup as he laughed quietly.

At the middle of the movie all the popcorn was covered with the sauce, YoungBae looked at him bothered and SeungRi only smiled offering one with his fingers, bae looked at it discussed but he opened his mouth anyway to eat it making the other chuckle while leaving a peck in the corner of his lips. YoungBae smile slightly resting his head over the other’s and keep watching the movie.

That was the reason SeungRi loved the weekends. It was like all the fights never existed or they get forgotten and they just came back to how they used to be, like the perfect marriage that made everything possible to make each other happy.

It was strange but he was sincere saying the YoungBae had always been like that, he knew it in the moment they met, and that was one of the reasons he chose him, because he was an unpredictable man who he knew never will fall in a routine. Even though the thing changed and his relation seams destroyed, YoungBae was still an unpredictable man, and he still loving that but now it scared him too. It scared him because he wasn’t sure of what he was thinking or what he was planning.

― At the end I eat them almost all ―said YoungBae looking the bowl―. That why I don’t like you put ketchup, you don’t eat them.

― We should do something for JiYong ―said SeungRi when the credits started ignoring the reproach―. It everything ends well his fame as editor will rise ―Bae nodded rising from the sofa with the bowl.

― What do you have in mind?

― I don’t know, should we take him to dinner? ―he lied in the sofa.

― Too predictable ―he turned off the Blue-ray and put the disc in the box.

― You have another idea? ―he raised his legs―. We can make something here too, like a surprise party.

― I like that, we should go to buy everything now ―he went to look for the car keys.

― You gave him a copy of the door keys? ―Bae nodded―. And what we are going to do?

― Barbeque, it’s okay for you? Something easy and the three can be together while doing it ―SeungRi smile and nodded excited.

― I came ba… oh, you’re going out? ―said JiYong surprised when he opened the door and found both of them in front of it.

― No ―bae went out―, I’m going to search for my USB at the car, I don’t remember if I leave it there or in the office.

― I see ―he look at SeungRi that was still there―. You fight again?

He shake his head―. How did it go? ―he smile walking to the living room.

― Good, but I have another reunion tomorrow at midday ―the younger eyes shine when he hear him―, to fix some details and after that I come back to Korea.

― What? You’re not going to stay more time? ―SeungRi expression fell and Bae comeback inside the house listening to both.

― No, like I said, this was a business trip but I take the chance to visit you…

― Sometimes I wish we all were living in the same city ―said YoungBae with nostalgia―, so we could all see every weekend like the old times ―SeungRi nodded.

― Maybe someday we all could live together again ―he stared at YoungBae―. Just like when we met ―he looked away and raised again with energy―, but until that time comes let’s stay together, even at a distance.

YoungBae stared at him finding the double meaning to his words but said nothing, just nodded like JiYong.

 

* * *

 

 

YoungBae and SeungRi waited until JiYong left to his appointment to go out. They have at much four hours before he comeback. They had to buy everything they were going to do, buy a cake and light the fire of the grill to cook everything. With a little luck and good organization they have everything on time.

They were in the supermarket, in the vegetable area searching for a bag of salad but they were having troubles to choose one. JiYong was a man of sophisticated but extravagant tastes, oddly might sound, and as it was a party to celebrate him, he had to be pampered in every way.

― SeungRi? ―bae was the first to tour when he heard an unknown voice calling the younger―. You remember me, don’t you? ―the older looked at him. Tall, brown hair, tanned, brown eyes. Tall. More tall than him.

The younger smile―. Edwin, right? ―the tanned mad smile happy.

― I’m glad you remember me ―he chuckled looking straight at SeungRi.

― How to forget you? I own you a big one ―he hit his shoulder playfully making bae frown―. Ah, he is my husband, YoungBae dong.

― Oh, you’re married ―the other’s smile faint a little while shaking their hands―. A pleasure to meet you.

― The same ―he forced a smile―. And sorry but we’re in a hurry ―he took a common salad bag and pushed the car while pulling softly SeungRi arm who said goodbye with a smile while walking to the meat area.

― We should buy the one that is already marinated, that's so delicious ―he licked his lips imagining the smell of grilled meat.

― Where did you meet him? ―he replied.

― Who? ―Bae stared at him―. Edwin? Ah, here in the store ―he looked merchandiser where they had all the cold cuts. They could buy some ham and cheese as appetizers.

― And what you own him?

― Well ―his eyes keep looking at the meat―, ahm… one day I came and one of my bags tore when I was to the car and he helped me to rise everything ―he chuckled nervously―. Why don’t you go to search for coal while I chose the meat? ―YoungBae opened his mouth to say something but he turned to go into the hall where they were all the grill items. He looked at all the brands of coal, fuel and lighters on the shelves and let out a sigh as he looked annoyed at the floor. The lamps in the ceiling reflected in the polished floor.

That was what he was waiting, right? That SeungRi remade his life with a person who could see and worship all those qualities that made him the most beautiful person in the universe. He had said that he would bear uncomplainingly all the consequences of their actions no matter how difficult or painful they were. Still, he did not believe the truth hit him so hard suddenly, much less that he would have that kind of feeling. The jealous eating him.

He shake his head strongly catching the attention of people passing by and took a large bag of charcoal and a bottle of lighter while returning slowly where was SeungRi, he watched him moving his fingers over the screen of his phone as he advanced, he leave the bag in the cart distracting Ri from the screen―. We should buy the cake here or in pastry store that is back home? ―Bae asked but didn’t look him as he spoke, he first had to calm down before meet his eyes again.

― Better there, here are refrigerated for so long ―they started to advance to the cashier area―. Nothing is missing? ―SeungRi look at all they had in the cart, which was not much in reality―. I know what is missing! ―he stopped halfway down the hall and ran leaving confused the eldest, who followed him with his eyes until he was lost in another hallway, he looked up to see the number of the hall where he had gone and what was in there; he frowned slightly when he read "Wine and liqueurs" and then saw SeungRi comeback with two bottles of red wine in hand.

― SeungRi... ―he stared at him sternly.

― Come on Bae, what’s a celebration without wine? ―Bae shake his head and began to walk again―. And beside... ―he walked next to him―, I'm not a child anymore, I’m not going back to do the same nonsense... I don’t want to see you so worried ―he wanted to take his hand but Bae take it away immediately.

― I hope so.

SeungRi nodded. The tone in his words had hurt him a little, but he always thought it was understandable that YoungBae felt in that way after all the mistakes and nonsense he had live by his side.

After paying they went to the car quickly to get to the bakery, where they bought a small strawberry cake with cream, even passed to a store to buy balloons which were going to be used to decorate the yard.

They were already back home and still have an hour, enough to put to cool the wine and prepare everything, besides light the fire and start to grill the meat.

SeungRi stayed in the kitchen preparing all while Bae went to the backyard where they had the whole area equipped with a grill, mini bar and a small outdoor dining area. He served the salad in a large bowl and in a tray he had served cheese and different kinds of ham. He toke them out on the table, placing them next to the wine glasses and cake, he look how YoungBae had managed to light the charcoal but he was waiting to make a flame to put the grill. He get closer full of curiosity but an arm stopped him.

― Don’t get too close, it’s not lighted completely ―both stood watching the sparks coming from the pieces of coal―. Now we just need JiYong ―he said as a joke.

― Yeah ―he jumped surprised when the coal made a small explosion striking sparks everywhere, tiny bits of red coal went everywhere. SeungRi held his hand giving a small gasp and stepping back.

― You burned? ―YoungBae immediately took his hand to cheek it but didn’t see any burn.

― I'm fine... it just take me by surprise ―he pressed the hand that held his with his fingers and smiled looking at the floor―. I think it’s lighted completely right? ―he laughed softly as the other released his hand―. I’ll bring the meat to start preparing it ―he returned quickly to the kitchen and leaned against the refrigerator releasing the air excitedly.

It was still there. That look of loving concern that YoungBae always gave him when he thought something bad had happened to him, with which he had cared so many years; he clutched his chest feeling his heart pounding and the smile on his face got bigger. He knew not everything was lost, that love they had was still there, maybe under all those things that had happened, but there it was, intact.

He heard as the keys entered the lock of the front door and hurried to take out the tray of meat from the refrigerator and ran into the yard―. He’s here, he’s here ―he said bouncing. YoungBae look from side to side to see that everything was ready and ran to the mini bar beside one of the outdoor furniture to get a bottle of wine and put it on the table.

― Guys, are you here? -Ji stuck his head out the window and smiled when he saw the huge yard adorned with golden globes, among all stood a huge one of SpongeBob―. What’s going on? ―he went out excited.

― Dah, is for you hyung ―SeungRi said raising his hands as Bae opened the bottle of wine―. Because you're the best editor in the world.

― And the best brother in the world ―finished Bae starting to serve in the drinks―. Don’t tell HyunBae I said that ―the others laughed.

\- This... ―the redhead looked all over again―. Ow ... I don’t know what to say ―he round the neck of both and squeezed them strongly against him making them gasps―. My brother and my baby did this for me, aaah, how lucky I am to have you ―said while pretending to sob dramatically.

― Baby?! ―SeungRi try to release himself―. Since when I'm a baby? I don’t want to be a baby!

― For all you'll always be our baby, our little baby panda ―JiYong answered pulling of his cheeks. YoungBae had managed to escape the embrace leaving SeungRi complaining loudly while being squeezed by JiYong who released him when he hear the sound of meat beginning to cook―. Hopefully it will be ready soon ―he took a piece of cheese from the trays as he sat and stretched to take one of the cups―. Him hungry.

 

* * *

 

 

It was late when they had cleaned all, as they had said, all the food was finished, they had finished two bottles of wine and the last one was left in the refrigerator, the next day they have work and more importantly, JiYong had to take a flight.

YoungBae went out from his shower while SeungRi rummaged through his clothes in the closet, he sat on the edge of the bed while rubbing his hair with a towel to absorb the best he could the moisture in it.

― What are you looking for? ―he said when SeungRi put his hands in his waist in a gesture of doubt.

― My red shirt ―he looked at him a second before returning his gaze to the clothes―. I don’t find it and I don’t remember taken it to the cleaners.

― Have you already searched on the other side?

― Why my shirt would be between your clothes? ―YoungBae shrugged his shoulders putting the towel over them, SeungRi pursed his lips and opened the other door of the closet to start looking between the clothes―. Ah! It’s here! ―he giggled and check the front and back―. That’s good, is not wrinkled or dirty.

― Are you going out tomorrow? ―YoungBae said recalling the call he had had the previous day.

― I think the cow was very curious ―said like a joke because he only answered him with more questions but YoungBae only frowned annoyed.

― Well, then I’m not going to ask you anything ―He stood from the bed and hung the towel on a rack that was in the room to dry.

― Yah, it was just a joke, don’t be grumpy ―he watched him and hang the shirt again, this time in his side of the closet―. JiYong plane leaves at seven from the airport, you’ll come with me?

― At seven? ―he began to remove the covers of the bed to get into her―. I don’t know if I can leave from work early.

― You don’t have to leave before ―he began to remove his clothes to put on his pajamas―. You just had to found the time to say goodbye ―he let out with some annoyance―, but really, nothing is going to happen if you leave earlier for one day in your life ―he went to the bathroom to wash his face and heard the other mutter something softly making him roll his eyes―. Just promise you'll be there, okay? ―he said wiping his face and looking at the one lying on the bed―. Promise? ―he saw his head move under the blanket―. Well, I'll go to turn off the lights.

He left the room leaving the door open and went downstairs to check that the doors were locked, he looked at JiYong at the entrance of the kitchen drinking a glass of water―. I think I ate too much ―he complained massaging his stomach.

― You want a digestive? ―JiYong refused and walked up the stairs patting his head when he passed next to him, his way of say good night. SeungRi finished of turn off the lights and returned to the room finding that Bae was asleep, he turn off the light and slipped between the sheets of the bed. He connected his cellphone to the charger and settled his head on the pillow to fall asleep minutes later.

 

* * *

 

 

JiYong was staring at the screen where the arrival and departure of flights was recorded. He always get nervous before traveling, so he was sitting to away from the people sitting with his fingers tangled, he moved up and down his heels trying to relieve the tension in his body.

His suitcase was still in front of him and beside him, attached to his body, a small briefcase that he always carried with him in his travels, his thirteen-inch MacPro always following him and all his identification documents. His gaze was from on one side of the room to the other, people walking in all directions. He felt his cellphone vibrating in the pocket of his cardigan and immediately take it out " _Where are you_?" He stood aside and looked around to try to find YoungBae but he couldn´t do it, so he began typing on the screen as he sat back down " _Input B to the platform five_ ”

He crossed his legs as he waited, his plane was leaving in half an hour and he was still waiting, his nerves were not yet dissipated. YoungBae came to where he was at fast pace, a little more fast and he would be running.

― I thought I wouldn´t make it ―he dropped himself beside him catching his breath. He had run from the parking lot to the entrance and then he had come looking for them without success―. Where is SeungRi? He didn’t bring you?

― Yes, but he went to buy something to the cafeteria ―YoungBae pressed one hand on the other’s leg that didn’t stop moving―. Sorry, you know, I always get nervous before traveling.

― Hyung ―SeungRi arrived with a plastic bag in one hand and a packet of biscuits in the other―. I bought some sweets, maybe that helps ―he handed the bag as he sat down―. I'm glad you got here in time ―he said looking at Bae.

― What did you bought? ―JiYong checked the bag that was filled with packages of Kit-kat, goldfish and foot―. Well, if don’t make me lose the fear they will have a good trip ―he said taking a bag of goldfish and putting the rest in the suitcase.

― Hey Ji, is that legal?

― No... I think... I don’t know ―he began to eat while the speakers gave the boarding announcement for the plane to Seoul, Korea―. That's my call ―he gave the bag of cookies half eaten to Bae and stood up. The other two got up and began walking up to the line that had formed for baggage and documents check.

The line moved slowly, the security at airports in USA had become almost ridiculous because of the attacks and accidents in planes that had happened in recent months, so they reviewed over and over again each passenger as well as their IDs. But for them it was no bother to be there standing in a strange silence that was interrupted until SeungRi held the redhead tight, his arms clinging to him in a tight embrace.

― Be careful, and please greet everyone when you get there, oh and let us know when you already find yourself landed, no matter what time it is ―he said without loose the embrace, JiYong eyes moistened as his vision focused on Bae who smiled with a mixture of feelings. Farewells, although they were not eternal, were always difficult for them―. And Ji-hyung ―he whisper softly in his ear so only he could hear. YoungBae didn’t found strange that the embrace take so long, he knew about the attachment SeungRi had to JiYong, so he said anything, not knowing they were speaking―. Look for Seung-hyung when you get there ―JiYong try to separate but SeungRi kept the hug―. We always have to fight for what we want, right? ―he left him holding him by the shoulders and smiling.

― SeungRi... ―he looked at him with moist still in his eyes before YoungBae hug him tightly against his body.

― Really, let us know when you find yourself in home, I swear we’re not go to sleep until you do it ―the redhead shook his head digging his fingers into his back.

― Don’t say that, tomorrow you two... ―SeungRi sent him a warning look―. You have to work, rest, I'll call you when my feet touch the ground.

In fact the scene was pretty funny, during the time they were cuddled they were advancing in small steps as the line was reduced until it was the turn of Ji. When he found himself on the other side of the line and metal detectors JiYong said goodbye with a wave of his hand and walked to the bridge deck that would take him to the plane.

SeungRi and YoungBae returned to the waiting room in front of the screen and remained seated until the plane left. They walked slowly and quietly to the exit and stopped at the gates, a few meters from the entrance to the parking lot.

Because they came in different vehicles was obvious that they had to be separated, both advanced to the rows of parked cars, walking side by side, SeungRi car was closer so when they were on one side of this, with the driver's side door open, YoungBae broke the silence―. Drive carefully, there is still traffic at this hour ―YoungBae gently stroked her hair and turned to get his own vehicle.

― Hey... ―he stopped him―. Want to go for dinner? Or do you prefer to eat at home? ―he pressed his fingers around the door frame waiting for his reply.

― What if we ask for something to eat at home? I can go to the food truck that you like in Fairfax Avenue and bring something ―SeungRi smiled and nodded excitedly.

― Then I go and prepare everything at home ―he got in the car and turned on the motor―. Ah, ask my submarine with a lot of cheese, okay? ―YoungBae nodded and waited until the other started to move and went to his own car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it’s me~  
> I’m so lazy and it's so hard for me to concentrate, it took me a lot translate this chapter. Sorry, however, thank you to all the people that is still interested in this story TAT I love you~  
> I will try to translate more quickly but I can’t make promises. Thank you again *sends love*


	4. La lanza

_Antes que despiertes quiero dejar en claro_

_Que no voy a dar el brazo a torcer_

_Como llegamos hasta acá_

_Donde mi peor yo nos abraza_

_Y no se si abrir la boca sin ningún control_

_La lanza – Babasonicos_

 

SeungRi woke up when he felt YoungBae leaving the bed but still he didn’t open his eyes, just turned in the warm space the older had left. Even against his will he was immediately wide awake when he remembered what day it was.

Today they began their therapies.

He looked at his cell phone to check the time and realized that they had fallen asleep. At the end they hadn’t take seriously what they told to JiYong and they went to sleep, were thirteen hours of travel after all, they had received JiYong’s call about six in the morning and both had awakened to answer, and although they tried to not fall asleep again, in the end they had fallen and for so much time.

He sat up in bed listening to the sound of running water in the shower, he stretched and stood up trying to comb his hair with his fingers. He will prepare breakfast and then get ready to go out.

He turned on the coffee maker and in a few minutes the whole kitchen was flooded with the smell of freshly brewed coffee. He had finished frying ham so it can be aside of the fried eggs when YoungBae appeared in the kitchen, beige pants and blue shirt. He just gave him a good morning and went straight to the coffee maker to pour a cup.

― Want breakfast?

The older look at the watch on his wrist and shook his head has he drank his coffee as fast as he could―. No. I’m late ―he put down the cup in the sink and left the kitchen followed by SeungRi―. I'm going.

― Wait ―YoungBae stayed with his navy jacket half on when Ri approached and kissed him on the temple taking him by surprise―. Today we start with the sessions ―YoungBae nodded as he let the hands of SeungRi surround his neck, stroking the back of his neck―. See you there or you come for me?

― See you there ... I don’t know what time I'll...

― No. Nothing of "I do not know what time I'm going out" ―he took a step away―. You promised. We’ll go to therapy together.

― Yes, yes. I promised and I'll be there, don’t worry ―he picked up his briefcase and car keys―. See you.

SeungRi sighed when the door closed, reminding his breakfast waited him at the table.

 

SeungRi wiggled uncomfortably in the lobby of the building, looking nervously at his cellphone. Six and fifty-five and YoungBae still hadn’t arrived, he didn’t want to pass the embarrassing situation to enter alone in their first partner therapy session.

― Mr. Lee? ―the receptionist called his attention―. Dr. Weinberg will see you now ―SeungRi bitted his lip gently and nodded rising from his seat and walking toward the elevators.

He swore that if YoungBae dared to be late he will send him to sleep in the yard. And as if he had heard the warning his husband came through the doors of the luxury building, so he kept pressing the elevator button to keep the doors open.

― I thought you weren’t going to arrive in time ―he scolded at his reflection in the polished metal elevator doors.

― I told you I was coming, I get stuck in the traffic, you know how it gets at this time ―he nodded absently looking at the number that was displayed on the small screen. It was obvious they were uncomfortable, even the elevator music was somewhat annoying, so both sighed with relief when the doors finally opened letting them down the hall.

― Well, we're here ―the younger look at him―. Let’s end this ―he knocked the wooden door and waited for the doctor to open it.

YoungBae wasn’t surprised when he saw him, he looked like the typical doctor. Lenses and white shirt with the top two buttons undone casually.

The man kindly invite them to come, making them sit on the chairs in the living room.

― A pleasure to meet you Mr. Dong, I'm glad you agreed to come ―the black haired man simply nodded―. Before we start I would like to explain a little of all of this is... well, the sessions are once a week, depending on the progress you have it will increase the time between every session ―YoungBae nodded absently as his eyes look around the room where they were. Very bright with calm, balanced colors―. The sessions are divided into two parts. The first is in couple, it can be twenty to thirty minutes depending on how you’re developing, the second part is personal, ten or fifteen minutes each in which treat more personal aspects, although the order of these sessions can change only to not fall into a routine, do you have any questions?

― What do you mean with... personal aspects?

Bruce smiled when he noticed how defensive YoungBae was―. Well, often marital problems start because either one, or both, are not in their best moment. The life we live these days is more stressful and unfortunately the vast majority tends to relieve that stress with others ―he settled better in his chair―, also depending in his developing during the sessions you will need them, I assure you ―he smiled trying to relax YoungBae a little more―. Well, what if we start? ―he raised from his seat and walked to one of the three doors―. Over here please.

The couple stood in silence and come inside the room. The room was nearly empty, but still looked comfortable. A gray loveseat reposet, that at first moment SeungRi thought it was a bed, on one side it was a black chair followed by a small table on which was a lamp, a hardcover book and a pencil metal holder, all perfectly ordered. Contrary to these was a large window that went from ceiling to floor and was covered by semi-translucent curtains, allowing the natural light enter but the outside was barely visible.

― Lay down please, back to back ―the doctor took seat on the couch and wait for the other two to obey his orders. Both looked uncomfortable but ended doing what he told them and, as SeungRi thought, the reposet was too comfortable, so much he was sure if he relaxed more he would end asleep―. Well, let's start with this, first of all, talk to me a little of their relationship ―he took the hardcover book and a pen. The room was silent for a moment as one of the two decide to speak.

― Like what? ―YoungBae spoke trying to find a more comfortable position without turning around.

― Whatever, for example how long you've known?

― Almost ten years ―SeungRi mutter staring at a wall.

― That's a lot of time ―Bruce wrote in his book quickly.

― Yeah... I was sixteen when we were introduced... we started dating a year later, almost two ―SeungRi giggled remembering those times. He was so immature and YoungBae so responsable, so different.

 ― Any pleasant memory? ―the younger was surprised to be discovered.

― Many…

― Do you have something to say Mr. Dong? ―the therapist turned his head to look at the man who had remained silent.

― YoungBae, call me YoungBae.

― Okay, YoungBae, anything you want to say? Whatever is fine.

YoungBae sigh and turned to stir in the reposet―. Not really... ―he cleared his throat―, our relationship was always... good...

― Wonderful ―SeungRi interrupted him.

― Wonderful ―he repeated without look away at the wall in front of him―. I guess we passed for the typical problems that a homosexual couple pass in such a close society like South Koreans... I mean... we had to pass many obstacles to be together ―the dark-haired man rest in his back and closing his eyes―. Honestly, when we got to America I thought everything would be perfect.

― It wasn’t so?

― It was. At his time it was.

SeungRi bit his lip as he listened to him talk. Everything YoungBae said was true, their relationship had been wonderful, he dared to say that almost magical. Both were people who had fallen in love and had fought to be together, in many ways and many times, and after all of that they had decided to go one step further and do everything legal, fighting another bit to be recognized as spouses.

― SeungRi, is it okay if I call you like that? ―the appointed nodded―. What do you say about this?

― It’s the true. I've been very happy since I met him, really, YoungBae came into my life to, and I’m sure about this, help me find the best side of myself and make me infinitely happy... I don’t think I ever going to finish to thank for how much they have done for me, he and JiYong.

― This JiYong is the man that accompanied you in the first day? ―SeungRi nodded―. It seems to be someone important for both. How he influenced your relationship?

― Too much ―Bae replied immediately―. Thanks to him we are here. It was him who introduced us.

― It's funny, you know? Seemed as if our problems were his ―SeungRi lied on his back too, but contrary to YoungBae, he kept staring at the ceiling.

― In our group of friends we used to say that he was the dad and I was the mom, but I always thought it was the other way around. Ji always cared for us like a second mother...

― Is the best. The best of all ―SeungRi blurted wistfully―. He was also one of the groomsmen, he almost deliver YoungBae at the wedding, just like a mother would ―Bruce chuckled.

― Your mother didn’t deliver you that day YoungBae? ―he began to write faster in the book feeling the tense atmosphere.

― I... I haven’t had contact with my mother since both decided to come to America ―the doctor look at them, SeungRi had tensed more than his husband―. She never agree with the idea of me marring with SeungRi, so we lost contact...

― She always opposed to their relationship?

― No, in fact she accept SeungRi when I presented to her ―he let out a heavy sigh―, but when I said her we were thinking to come to live here she objected immediately. I think she always thought it was all a phase or something like that, even before we got married we talked, when I said that we were going to marry we cut communication completely.

― I see... it seems that both have been strained a bit. Shall we change the subject?

― Please ―SeungRi responded immediately.

― Well... tell me how your relationship has been in the last days? Especially since you decided to come to therapy.

― Fine, I guess ―Ri move again.

― You guess?

― We had visits in home...

― I see, then let me change the question, how has been the last month? I want you to be as honest as possible. You don’t have to save anything here.

― A hell ―SeungRi took his moment to answer the question―. It was a real hell... the beginning, when everything changed, when he started to comeback home late I had a habit of thinking the worst, always afraid that suddenly the phone rang and were the emergency department to say he had had an accident or something like that, sometimes still frightens me, especially when it rains... then began to be increasingly distant to the point that if I don’t got up early or wait for him until he comeback I’m not able to see him all day. I do not know what is worse, to act as if we didn’t exist, not talk or see each other. Or fight, shouting for anything, insult us for anything...

― Is he always late?

― Always... and I always wonder what he can be doing? What can be entertaining him so much that he needs to work more of twelve hours? ―SeungRi squeezed the fabric of the reposet―. I also couldn’t help but think that he didn’t stay in the office, maybe... ―he turned to bite his lip wanting to get the ideas out of your head.

― How would you describe it YoungBae? How was your relationship last month? ―Bruce stared at him waiting for a reaction but desisted when he notice that he wouldn’t speak―. Since SeungRi talks about fights, am forced to ask this, had been there violence?

― Yes ―YoungBae answered―. Once... after yelling ... SeungRi pushed me and I almost ... I almost hit him ―he clenched his fists.

The room was silent again, the only sound was the rustling of the pen against the paper of the book in which Dr. Weinberg continued scribing―. Had been repeated? ―both of them denied silently―. Can you turn around? I want you to face each other ―the doctor wait patiently for both of them, it took them longer than expected to obey him but they turned around and looked at each other for few seconds before looking away, they felt uncomfortable about all the things they had said until now―. Hold your hands ―they stare at each other and SeungRi swallowed hard before intertwining his hands―. Anything you want to say? ―SeungRi look away and squeezed YoungBae’s hand. There were many things he wanted to say but the lump that had formed in his throat wouldn’t let his voice come out, even made it difficult to breathe.

― Sorry ―YoungBae blurted softly―. Sorry ―SeungRi looked down and felt his lower lip trembled slightly―. You know I could never put a finger on you, never ... I don’t want you to be scared of me.

― Bae... ―he breathed trying to make his voice steady―, I'm sorry too, I was also screaming and pushing you that day... I said horrible things...

― Still I should never act like that...

As quickly as they began they finished speaking, Weinberg gave them time to stabilize their emotions and leave the book aside leaving the pen between the pages―. Anything else you want to say? You know? I think it would be a good time for a hug ―SeungRi stared at YoungBae before rising slowly, both fell on their respective side of reposet not daring to shorten the distance but, as if he had read their minds, they approached to surround each other at the same time with their arms.

SeungRi smiled a little when he felt how YoungBae buried his face in his neck, squeezing tightly against him. He could smell his cologne and his hair tickling his chin, his fingers digging into his waist.

The doctor smiled, it was a good start―. All right. We will pass to the second phase of the session. YoungBae, would you mind waiting outside for a while? ―the man nodded as he let go the younger and left the room without saying anything―. So, what did you think of the first session?

SeungRi lowered his head to wipe the moist in his eyes with his fingers―. I do not know. I honestly do not know what to feel. We had never talked about what happened... it feels good, somehow...

― How would you describe what you feel right now?

― I do not know... I'm not sure... maybe calm ... I feel a little better...

― Why?

― Because believe it or not, it has be so much time since the last time we held hands, or hugged ―he leaned back in the reposet.

― I'm sure it makes you feel better... Do you think your relationship will change after this first session?

― I do not know, I hope... I think by now I'd settle for him to stop coming home late... I mean, I know he is a man committed to his work, because of that he has come so far in so little time, he knows how to make sacrifices, but... it’s too much to ask that at least he could notify me what time he will come? Or if he’s late? Of course it would be better is didn´t do that...

― SeungRi, just a question. What do you do all day? ―The doctor settled to view him directly.

― I’m ... I used to be in charge of the house, like any good husband ―he laughed.

― Doesn’t do anymore?

― Mhn, no, no, I got a job in a real estate ―Bruce made an exclamation of surprise, indicating him to continue―, that's what I used to do before I married YoungBae...

― Well, that's pretty amazing. Why do you quit?

― Well... on one hand YoungBae didn’t like that I do it, not because the typical excuse that he is the man… ―he gestured quotation marks with his fingers―, of the house and has to be the one who maintains the family ... rather is because he didn’t want to see me work anymore...

― And you were okay with that?

― Well... yes ― he move his head back stretching his neck―, or well, something like that... I always thought that deep down, YoungBae had always liked the idea of coming home after work and be greeted with the food cooked, the house clean and all the cliché that comes with that, so if I could give him that joy, then why not?

― I understand but, how do you felt being a house-husband?

― Well... at first didn’t care much, I guess it was that famous stage of marriage, the honey moon ―he laughed―. Really, I liked watching him getting ready to go to work and send him off at the door, doing chores and prepare food and dinner, and then receive him ―he couldn’t hide the smile from his face―. Those had been the best years of my life, like in the movies, me and YoungBae alone in our little cheesy-love bubble. But then... things started to go wrong... and he started to walk away, and somehow I know it was my fault, if I hadn’t made so many stupid things he probably wouldn’t behave this way now... ―the younger’s voice broke and felt he was about to cry but his eyes didn´t teared―. So stay at home all day began to be suffocating, all day locked up... starting to feel useless in every way... so I decided to go back to work, back to the only thing that really do well...

― How YoungBae take it?

― He doesn’t know ―SeungRi could feel the doctor's gaze wordlessly asking why but decided not to answer...

― I have many more questions for you, but for now it’s enough, could you tell YoungBae he may enter? ―SeungRi stood up immediately―. Just wait a little while ―he smiled him kindly before star checking his notes quickly―. Ah, YoungBae, please sit ―he pointed the reposet while preparing to write again-. Tell me YoungBae, Why do you accept to come to these therapies?

― It isn’t obvious? My husband wanted to come ―YoungBae had remained sitting without looking directly to the doctor.

― And you think is work? Because I have understood that you already filed for divorce.

― Yes, I demanded it a week ago...

― Can I know what was the reason that you apply for the divorce? ―the doctor adjusted his glasses holding the edge of these.

― Unfixable rupture ―Weinberg watched how he clenched his hands nervously.

― You know that under this kind of demand you don’t have to wait for SeungRi to give it, right? Practically you are already a free man... What's stopping you?

― Where are you going with this? ―he looked at him with a frown.

― I want to know why you want to divorce. As I understood you two still living together, which doesn’t make much sense since you has to be separated from SeungRi at least one year so your divorce is valid ―YoungBae clenched his jaw―. Why you haven’t done it? What does it stop you? ―the doctor wrote in the book quickly trying to read his body language― I ask you again, do you think these therapies will work?

― No. I’m determined to separate from SeungRi. I know it's the best for both, although I try to see it from other perspectives I always came to the same conclusion, that neither he or I deserve to continue in this situation where we are only hurting each other.

― How did you feel a while ago when you talked about what had happened?

― Well, it was very good because... I think that despite everything there is no grudges.

― How do you think SeungRi felt? I'm sure you could feel something during the time you hugged him.

― Can we change the subject? ―the doctor sighed and nodded.

― What do you do during the time you are not at home? Don’t worry, your answer will not leave these four walls ―YoungBae rolled his eyes.

― Work. That's all I do, that's all that distracts me...

― Workaholic.

― Yeah, I guess I am. But I've never done anything more, sometimes I go out with colleagues from the office, but nothing else.

― Do you mind SeungRi hinted about infidelity?

― Of course, I've never done anything to make him believe something like that ―he made his head back clucking his tongue―, the lion thinks everyone is like him.

― SeungRi ... He cheated?

― Listen, really don’t want to talk about it ―he blurted frustrated and massaged his forehead feeling his head hurt.

― Oh yeah, anyway we already finish our time ―both time got up and left the room encountering with SeungRi moving from side to side with his phone, probably playing something―. For be the first session we started pretty well. Do you any problems with seeing again in a week at the same time? ―SeungRi nodded―. Well, before you retire I want to leave you a couple of simple activities ―the couple looked at him confused―. First of all, YoungBae, you must stay in his work only the necessarily and legal days of your work.

― Excuse me? That's something I can’t decide for myself, there are projects that need time and they have to be constantly reviewed. There are also meetings that sometimes…

― I understand that all, but I doubt that you may stay for so long that violate labor law, am I wrong? ―YoungBae sighed defeated.

― Well, if you become unable to accomplish this SeungRi has every right to keep you out of their house.

― What!? ―both said at the same time.

― What you heard, SeungRi should close the doors past ten in the evening, not a minute earlier or a minute later. It's dangerous, California is no longer as safe as before... ―YoungBae rolled his eyes and SeungRi only stared at him without knowing what to say―. Besides that, I want you to sleep in the same bed and go to sleep face to face, if possible speak a little of what you did in the day, out of this, continue with their daily lives normally. Did you come together here?

― No... in separate cars ―SeungRi shrugging his shoulders.

― Well, in the next sessions do everything possible to come together, okay? ―he rise from his chair and the others followed him walking to the door―. You know, you can consult anything with my receptionist.

― Yes, thank you very much Dr. Weinberg, see you next week.

 

SeungRi looked at his cell phone while watching the TV. It was nine fifty, and that meant he would have to take drastic measures.

It had been two days since they went to their first session and they had been doing what Dr. Weinberg had said. YoungBae had been returning home after work as he did before and they had tried to talk a little before going to sleep. But apparently that day he would have to do what the doctor had said.

He turn off the TV and went upstairs to put on his pajamas, after that he went back down and check on the clock on the wall. Ten and three. He sighed and took the keys to close the door, then went to the board and pressed the security alarm button inside to activate it. This might be only a warning.

He turn off the lights and sat in one of the chairs whose backs faced the door so when YoungBae entered he wouldn’t see him. He took his cellphone and began to see the updates on his Facebook, he was there until he hear the sound of YoungBae’s car engine. He locked his cellphone and curled himself covering his ears knowing that the alarm will be activated when the door opened. He squeezed his eyes when he heard the key entering in the lock.

― What the…!? ―YoungBae dropped his things on the floor as he jumped where he stood and hurried to close the door to deactivate the alarm cursing.

― Goodnight! ―for second time YoungBae jumped in surprise.

― SeungRi! Damn it! You're gonna kill me, fuck ―SeungRi contained his laugh and looked seriously at him.

― I should let you outside ―he crossed his arms.

― I had a meeting, okay? ―he dropped himself on the couch keeping the distance―, one of the investors is pulling back so we have to get more funds ―SeungRi was about to speak when the house phone started ringing. SeungRi sighed and got up to answer. After clear at the security system that all was a false alarm he went back to the couch, standing behind YoungBae.

― You want me to make you a cup of tea? ―he squeezed his shoulders gently feeling tensed muscles under the clothes.

― Mhn... no, I just want to go to sleep ―he move his head aside as he closed his eyes―. Auch...

― It’s not good for you to stress that much. Go, go to bed.

They picked up the things that were left at the entrance and went up in silence. SeungRi prepared bed while YoungBae changed clothes, and while YoungBae brushed his teeth he got between the sheets. Bae soon was lying in front of him, he could see how tired he was, almost immediately he put his head on the pillow he began to close his eyes.

― Good night Bae...

― Good night ―he replied sleepily and now with eyes closed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo~ hello again. Thank you again for reading C: you make me so happy.
> 
> I hope you like the chapter <3


	5. Your love is a lie

_You look so innocent_

_But the guilt in your voice gives you away_

_Yeah you know what I mean_

_How does it feel when you kiss when you know that i trust you_

_And do you think about me when he fucks you?_

_Could you be more obscene?_

_Your love is a lie – Simple plan_

 

Ri: "It’s alright you are awake at this hour?"

Yongyong "Yes, I’m waiting for the draft of the author I‘m working at the moment"

"It's the last one before we continue with the translation project"

"How are the thing there?"

Ri: "Good"

"Bae isn’t coming back late anymore and we have dinner together everyday"

"But otherwise, everything remains the same"

Yongyong: "It’s your first month in the therapies"

"Be patient"

“Everything’s going to be alright”

Ri: "I hope hyung"

"I have to go now"

"Work calls ;)"

Yongyong: "Now that you bring it"

"When are you going to tell him about the job?"

He left the cellphone on the bedside to continue charging it, surely JiYong was going to complain about not answering, but he would have to forgive it. It had been a month since they had started with the therapies and although their relationship with YoungBae was no longer so tense he still could feel a big distance between them.

He checked himself in the mirror again to check that everything was in place and took his cell phone and charger to put it in his briefcase. That one he’d been able to keep hidden inside of the closet.

He went down the stairs quickly and took the car keys, closed the doors and windows and set the alarm of the house, then he left to the real estate.

He’d been very lucky to find that job, going from nine to four, that gives him time to go shopping for dinner or go pay something. And so far he hasn’t had a sample that would take more time out of his work schedule.

He entered the small parking lot of the real estate and set the car’s alarm. The place was small, it just started and he liked that, it had a wonderful atmosphere and all his companions were quite pleasant, the owner was a woman who had her good years in business and had ventured to start on her own.

― Good morning ―Edwin greeted him cheerfully as he poured himself a cup of coffee, signaling everyone in the room to greet him with the same enthusiasm.

― Good morning everyone ―he set his briefcase on the desk he shared with Edwin.

― Coffee? ―he tilted his cup slightly toward him.

― No thanks, I just brushed my teeth ―he opened his briefcase and took out his diary―. Today I have an appointment with the doctor so I have to finish everything before.

― How’re things going? ―Edwin pulled up his chair and sat across from him.

― Well...  I suppose ―he made a gesture with his lips as he took a pen.

― You suppose? ―he sipped his coffee.

― It's just that... ―he set the pen aside and rested his arms on the desk―. We talked a little more and since we started therapy we hadn’t discussed but... I feel that even so he’s moving away from me.

― Well... it’s barely a month ―the man said with his fingers on the wood of the desk―. If your relationship is as beautiful as you say, I am sure you can save your marriage―. Well ―he said, turning in her chair―, let's go back to job or the boss is going to be upset.

SeungRi giggled and took the phone to confirm his appointments.

* * *

He ran into the house and hurried to wash his face. At the end her last date had been longer than expected and he’d left late, giving him just the time to go home and buy something fast for that day's dinner and get ready for that afternoon's date.

He dropped into the chair completely exhausted. He had finished everything in time and form, now he only had to wait until YoungBae arrived for him, he look at the time on his cell phone, just a little more. He close my eyes and place my head on one of the cushions of the chair.

―SeungRi ―the light slammed into him making him close his eyes―. SeungRi, wake up now, it's going to be late ―he look at YoungBae who gently shakes him.

― I fell asleep ―he stuttered his eyes and yawned as stretched―. It's too late?

― If you're ready not ―he stared at him.

― You are ready? ―he adjusted his shirt and got out of the chair.

― Yes. Let's go.

― Aren’t you going to take your jacket? ―he took it and showed it to him.

― No. It's fucking hot outside ―the younger shrugged and stepped out into YoungBae's car as he closed the house.

― Did you set the alarm? ―he put on the sunglasses YoungBae had left in the car.

― Yes. Give me that.

― Noooo, you know I have sensitive eyes ―he stepped aside laughing.

― Yeah, but it's me who drives ―SeungRi denied and backed away―. Aish.

He started the car and went out onto the road. When they stopped at a red light, the black haired man reached out and put on his dark glasses―. I don’t want my husband to be blinded by the sun ―he laughed softly and YoungBae just flicked his tongue.

The traffic was stressful at that hour and that increased with the heat. SeungRi looked at the car's watch over and over again, he hated being late, he considered it embarrassing, and much more if he was going to a place where people could easily realize he was late. So it was a relief when they finally entered the parking lot.

― It's not late yet. Don’t rush ―they started walking towards the building.

― You know I like to arrive five minutes early.

― Okay, we arrived, sit down, I'm going to check in ―he obeyed, taking a seat in the lobby. He picked up one of the magazines at the table and looked at it disinterestedly―. The person from the previous appointment still doesn’t leave, so we arrived on time.

― That's good ―he continued reading the magazine as they waited for them to be called.

After five minutes the receptionist told them that Dr. Weinberg could receive them, and they complied with the routine of taking the elevator to the office and knocking on the door to be able to enter.

― Good afternoon ―the doctor greeted them with his usual calm smile―. Today we’ll do something slightly different, please accompany me.

SeungRi looked excitedly at the door of the only room he hadn’t entered. Inside wasn’t very different from the other rooms, only this one was slightly larger than the other two. There were four double-confident armchairs, of which he didn’t know their names, but he had always wanted one, and he supposed it was the room where he gave therapies to larger families or groups.

― Sit down, please, back to back, you know ―he went to the closet in the room―. Sincerely, what’s the basis of a marriage for you? ―the question went to both of them and they knew it.

― Sincerity ―murmured SeungRi looking at the floor―. Sincerity and trust.

― Well, do you think that exists in your relationship? ―both fell silent, not knowing what to answer―. Let's work on that today. You’ll be honest with each other ―he handed them a notebook, a pen and a marker―. I want you to write an answer to what I am going to say, it should only be a word that describes as well as possible what you want to say, you don’t have to keep anything, say what you feel or think as it comes out, Ready? ―they both nodded and opened the markers―. Good... How did I feel this morning when I woke up and see the person I married next to me? ―he look at them, both hesitating before they write and he continue with the questions. He immediately feel the tension in SeungRi when he reached the final questions, and he turns to look at it. The doctor simply nodded sympathetically and the younger man simply bit his lips to write again―. I want you to exchange the notebooks now and read out loud what is written. SeungRi, I want you to start, I repeat the questions. What did I feel when I saw the person I married this morning? What did I feel when I went to bed with the person I married last night? Do I have secrets I hadn’t told my partner? Would I tell him? Why? Read them off, just don´t stop.

SeungRi bit his lips nervously and began to read out loud―. Fear. Confusion. No... Why are you afraid? ―he wanted to turn around and look at it, but he didn’t dare, he knew that YoungBae's turn was coming and that just meant it was time to tell him everything.

― You can read SeungRi's answers ―Bruce adjusted his glasses.

― Happiness... Tranquility. Yes. No. Fear... Do you have secrets with me? ―YoungBae turned to look at him―. What are you hiding from me? ―the question was demanding, but the tone of voice he had used showed not only curiosity, but a certain degree of pain.

― SeungRi, can we know why you are afraid to say certain things? ―both, the doctor and the brunet, waited for the other's response. SeungRi took a deep breath and turned his head back.

― Because I know you're going to be angry with me, Bae, because I'm breaking a promise I made to you.

― What promise?... SeungRi, what promise? ―YoungBae stared at him, waiting for him to reply.

― Does SeungRi want to say it now? ―the boy nodded and looked at the other, his gaze rising and falling from his eyes to the back of the chair.

― A month ago... I started to work at a real estate company ―he licked his lips waiting for an answer.

― Why? We said that you weren’t going to work anymore...

― I know... but after everything that had been happening... I felt very alone at home, and then you asked for the divorce and I wondered, what will happen to me? ―he passed his hand down the back, caressing the skin of the sofa.

― What do you mean? What's going to happen to you? You don’t have to work, not anymore.

― So? If we separate inevitably I will have to leave and I will have to survive on my own account ―he opened his mouth as if was about to say something else, but was silent.

― You don’t have to worry about those things. You can keep the house and the car, it's yours. And also for the time that we are married you are entitled to a pension and...

― You expect when we parted I accept that you maintain me? Do you really expect me to accept that? ―he look at him offended with a frown―, if we separate, I sincerely prefer to return to Korea, and if possible, no longer have contact with you. In any way ―YoungBae looked at him, not knowing what to say, and SeungRi's eyes become wet―. I could not, really, I couldn’t bear to see... that we are nothing, not after we were everything.

Bruce settled into his seat and looked at both of them as they said nothing else―. It is true that a relationship is based on sincerity and trust, but good communication is also basic. That is going to be our task from now on, that you can treat your problems... a month ago YoungBae, when we started the therapies, I said something that I think… left a very large dent in their relationship, and I don’t know if in some you two talked about that ―he stare at SeungRi―. SeungRi. Can you tell me about the infidelity that YoungBae told me about that day?

SeungRi became pale and turned in the chair to saw YoungBae, who had bent his head―. I don’t know what to say…

― Don’t say anything ―said the dark man, pressing the back of the chair―. I don’t want to talk about that. It's in the past and there it should stay.

― YoungBae ―the doctor intervened―, we should always talk about things that cause us pain. I know it doesn’t sound like the most logical thing, but when we talk about what makes us suffer it is easier to let it go, leave it in the past as you say, not saved.

― I don’t want to remember how SeungRi broke the first promise he made to me ―the brunette looked up but didn’t look at him. SeungRi tried not to be hurt by the tone of voice he’d used with him, so he settled into place and squeezed his hands.

― Years ago ―he said, this time YoungBae turned to look at him―. When we lived in Korea, I had an incident...

― It wasn’t an incident SeungRi, and you know it very well. An incident is when something happens suddenly. Something that could not be stopped. Yours was nothing like that.

― YoungBae, please, let me keep counting ―said the younger, feeling a knot in his stomach.

― I... I had always been a problem child, always ―SeungRi bit his lip―. My life was always going to party to party, drinking my life... it wasn’t unusual to see me drunk ―the doctor began to write in his notebook, as he always did―. When I started dating YoungBae, even when we weren’t a couple, he started to stop me from drinking so much, and when, ah, we started to get serious, to be engaged, I promised to stop drinking so much... ―SeungRi took a deep breath and I let it out in a sigh―. I had a friend... a co-worker, he was a few years older than me. He... was always interested in me, I knew it, but I never gave it importance, by that time YoungBae and I already lived together and... I'm sorry, I'm stirring things up.

― Okay, order your ideas, YoungBae? ―he appointed man made a guttural sound, indicating that he was listening―. Can you tell me a little more?

YoungBae sighed―. His name was JongHoon, and yes, he was always interested in SeungRi. I didn’t care too much, there were a lot of people interested in him but I was fine, he was my boyfriend and I trusted him... SeungRi worked in a real estate company at that time, and that time closed a very good sale, a department that no one could sell before ―he couldn’t help but smile at the memory―. He was very young, the youngest of the real estate to be exact, and had achieved what no one else, we were very proud of him, everyone, his mother, his sister, JiYong, me. Everyone, and we celebrated it big, because we didn’t know if it was going to be able to surpass that sale, because in a month more we were going to move, here, to United States ―his smile suddenly erased―. In the real estate, they decided to throw a party apart, something between co-workers, they did it a week later to also serve as a farewell for him ... and SeungRi went, and as always, he promised me that he would only take a few beers and try not to get so late. And I told him that it was okay, to come whenever he wanted, it was his last party with them, his farewell... but SeungRi didn’t come back...

He closed his eyes tightly, memories of that day returned, the sensation in his stomach growing more intense―. I couldn’t sleep all night. He didn’t answer his phone, his friends didn’t know where he was because he had disappeared with JongHoon ―Bruce's eyes went to SeungRi, who kept his head down and from his position could see the tears coming down his chin―. I still remember the pain I felt when I saw him arrive in the morning, smelling of alcohol, smelling of someone else's perfume ―YoungBae sucked in air erratically―, I remember so well the feeling of seeing the marks on his neck...

The room was suddenly silent. The sound of the clock, which until that moment had passed unnoticed, flooded the place.

― I could never explain what happened ―SeungRi took the word, wiping his tears with his hand―. Yeah, I remember I started with a few beers, three Klosters to be more exact, and then they started with the whiskey, I didn’t see anything bad, some whiskey with lots of mineral water and lots of ice, just one ―he shrugged, Not only was he ashamed, but also remembered all the sensations he had when he awoke completely lost in a place he didn’t know. How much he hated himself when YoungBae saw him with a look that showed how hurt he was, the disappointment he felt―. In the end I don’t remember what else I take, but I remember it was a lot. And I remember JongHoon offered to take me home, because I wasn’t in a position to leave alone, and I didn’t want to call YoungBae because he was going to get angry, because I’d promised that I wouldn’t drink so much. And on the way... I don’t know why I did it, I really don’t know, and I just remember that he said that was the best way to say goodbye, and then nothing, I woke naked in a bed with JongHoon...

― What happened the next day? When they both saw each other ―the doctor's gaze went from his notebook to them.

― A lot happened, and at the same time nothing happened ―YoungBae leaned one arm on the couch and rested her head on his hand, covering his face―. We just looked at each other without saying anything. I didn’t know what to say, at first I refused to accept the obvious, as if my brain had split in two, one part showed everything to the other, and one part trying to make an excuse to say that wasn’t true... after that... I just told him to go take a shower.

― We did it that morning, but it didn’t feel right for either of us ―SeungRi started to play with his ring, a heavy feeling in his chest―. It was so aggressive, full of anger, of pain, and I don’t mean something physical, our body acted as always. But the sensations, without kisses, without caresses... I felt so dirty and I felt I was dirtying him too ―his voice cut off and he couldn’t swallow the saliva that had gathered in his mouth―. I didn’t see JongHoon again and we moved forward, and we started living here... and he never touched the subject again.

The room was silent again as Dr. Weinberg finished taking his notes―. YoungBae, I want you to be very sincere with your response, to be selfish and think only of what you felt at that moment and what you’re feeling now. Have you forgiven SeungRi for what happened?

The black haired man stopped breathing when he asked that, and his lower lip trembled for the answer―. No. And I don’t know if I'm going to be able to forgive him someday ―SeungRi sprang up from his seat, watching his back with tears in his eyes.

― It's time to move on to the individual part. SeungRi Could you leave for a moment? I'll call you when it's your turn ―he nodded, wiping his tears and silently leaving the room―. How do you feel?

YoungBae slashed his eyes trying to wipe away the tears―. What’s the point of doing this? I don’t see how this can help our relationship...

― How do you feel? ―he look at him calmly, trying to break his defensive position―. How did it feel to be able to let go of what you were keeping during all this time?

He swallow the lump that had formed in his throat―. I don’t know, not long ago I remembered it again after all those years ignoring those images in my head. And it still hurts like the first time...

― What was the most painful at the time?

― What hurts me the most is that I trusted him ―he put his arms over his legs, bending over―. I met SeungRi when JiYong introduced us to at a party that I forced myself to go, and I swear that at that moment my life changed, I became an idiot, just for him ―he sighed, half remembering, half tired―. I always knew what SeungRi was like. He drank and jumped from bed to bed, himself acknowledged it, he was a problem child... but even with all that I wanted him, I fell madly in love with the boy who worked all week and disappeared the weekends ―he massaged the bridge of his nose―. Ji and I worked hard so little by little he was controlling the habit of drinking, He wasn’t an alcoholic like many people thought, he just liked to drink, and it was okay, I always told him, everything was fine as long as he knew when to stop ―he bit his lip. We insisted him to leave the part-time jobs and to try in the real estate where his mother worked.

― That's where he met that man ―YoungBae nodded.

― I immediately realized that he was interested in SeungRi, but I never gave it importance, SeungRi and I had been living together for some time, and I trusted him, so when that happened... it wasn’t the fact that he was with another person that hurt me, but I trusted him, gave him everything from me and he answered me that way ―he left his speech suddenly and wiped his tears quickly―. I always wanted to ask him why. He liked him? He was attracted to him? But I never dared, I was afraid that he would answer yes and that meant I was going to lose him...

― You said you don’t know if you'll ever be able to forgive him ―YoungBae looked at him for a few seconds and nodded―. If that is true, why has this relationship continued for so many years? Why even get married?

― Because I loved him a lot... too much.

― What happened? Does it have to do with the fact that you don’t want him to work? ―he immediately shook his head.

― No... I just do not want to see him work anymore... he started at an early age to carry the responsibility of bring money to his home. I know is fool, but is just a wish of mine, nothing more ―he hiccupped quietly and desperately tried to calm himself. He’d never liked to show the people his weak side, no matter who it was―. In the end, I just want him to be happy...

― SeungRi has been working for a month, and he told me he needed to feel useful, I hope you understand that ―YoungBae didn’t say or do anything, just sat there―. I think it's enough for today, you can tell SeungRi to come in ―he got up from the chair and opened the door, SeungRi was sitting in the chair in the center of the room. They looked at each other for a moment, then looked away.

They said nothing. SeungRi entered the room, leaving the other sitting, looked at Dr. Weinberg with a sad smile, and sat down in the place he had been occupying all the time―. It gives me some shame to be here now ―he admitted without looking at him.

― Why?

― What you hear isn’t something I like to tell... YoungBae is not the only one who prefers to keep things from the past where they are ―he pressed his hands between his legs, squeezing them with her thighs.

― If we let the things of the past where they are then what happens with the happy memories? Life is like this, a hodgepodge of pain and happiness ―the older prepared a new sheet for his notes―. Did it really affect you to hear him say he couldn’t forgive you?

― A lot ... I can’t blame him, if I had been in his place probably couldn’t do it either.

― He wants it, maybe the memory still torments him, but believe me, if he really couldn’t forgive you, you wouldn’t have been able to continue your relationship for so many years ―SeungRi's eyes lit up slightly and he smiled.

― It's just that YoungBae is very good. He has always been this way with me, always taking care of me... I have never been able to do anything to thank him for everything he has done for me, the one who had so much patience when others would probably throw me ―he stare at the floor―. I couldn’t even fulfill his greatest wish.

― Does the guilt you feel forced you to accept something in your life? Not working for example.

― No... just when we decided to come and live here... it was already decided that we were moving to the United States, but we moved weeks forward. He and I were desperate to leave what had happened behind. As he said, we never touched the subject again, and we continue as a normal couple ―he settled himself on the seat.

― Then you have forgiven yourself what you did? ―the black haired man looks confused―. We know what YoungBae thinks of this, but what about you? Has you forgiven what you did?

― I don’t know... stopped to feel guilty? ―Weinberg nodded―. I don’t think so... even though it had been lot of time since I think about it... I'll never stop thinking how I could be so stupid to end up in that situation. I had a wonderful man waiting for me at home. Why do I sleep with someone else?

― Had something happened that could have bordered on that? Some discussion, estrangement, ―SeungRi denied again.

― That's what makes me feel worse, I had no reason. I didn’t even like JongHoon, YoungBae always complied with my whims ―his voice trailed off―. Why I’m such an idiot?

― A mistake is made by anyone, you are sorry and you know you did wrong, you admitted it. You didn’t hide it or tried to make excuses, that is something not everyone does. You accept responsibility for your actions even though you know that it could be the end of your relationship.

― I had already betrayed him, the least he could do is be honest with...

― Do you think you can be honest with each other now? ―he looked up at him and nodded uncertainly―. The time is up, please follow me ―the doctor stood from his seat and let him out before him. YoungBae was still sitting, his gaze lost on the wall in front of him. SeungRi sat down beside him, leaving a slight distance and taking him out of his trance―. I understand that this was a difficult session, so I want you to talk about this, all that is still being kept, if you think you’re about to lose control, shouting, violent attitudes or something that disturbs you, give yourself a moment and then retake the subject again. The point is that you can speak without disturbing each other ―both nodded in silence―. We'll see you in a week. Okay?

SeungRi was the first to rise―. Okay, thanks again ―the doctor accompanied them both to the door. They paid in reception and said goodbye to the secretary who always received them and said goodbye.

They got into the car and were silent in the glass below, the heat had decreased considerably but was still annoying.

― Do you want to go out for dinner somewhere or do you want to go home? ―SeungRi looked at him and leaned over to embrace him. YoungBae was surprised at first but accepted the hug.

― I want a hamburger from Stout ―he whisper near his ear―. But I also want to go home soon.

― We will pass and bought it to go and we’ll go home ―they pulled apart and they put the belts.

During the whole trip from Stout to home and while they ate they said nothing, nothing apart from the good blue cheese of the Stout Burger and the mozzarella of the Goombah.

It wasn’t until they were both in bed, fulfilling their recent sight of each other before going to sleep, that they addressed the word again.

― Where are you working? ―SeungRi blinked slowly, staring at him intently.

― In a real estate apartment on North Spring Street, almost at Arcadia's, it's new and small ―he nervously pressed the blankets between his fingers―. I go from nine to four, from Monday to Friday. The salary is not very big, but it seems good to me...

The dark-haired man nodded―. It's close to the offices... Have you made any sales? ―he shook his head. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before you do ―SeungRi looked into his eyes again and licked his lips.

― Remember Edwin?

― Who?

― The man we met at the supermarket, when we made the party for Jiyong, dark, tall ―YoungBae nodded―. He's my co-worker, I share desk with him... ―the older man stared at him, but he didn’t really see him.

― He likes you, you know? ―he shook his head.

― I liked him... I seem to have lost the charm once he knew I was married ―it sounded like a joke, but neither of them was amused―. He told me that once he went out with a man who was married, when his partner, of his boyfriend, discovered everything, they separated. He could never stop blame himself, he felt he’d destroyed a family. He didn’t know he was married either. I guess that made it twice as difficult.

― I guess he’s unlucky. To look twice at a married man ―this time they both smiled and gave an uncomfortable chuckle.

― YoungBae ―the smile on his lips slowly disappeared―. I'm sorry ―his eyes were still burning from what he'd cried in the afternoon, but it didn’t stop his eyes from getting wet again―. I’d never wanted to disappoint you. I never wanted to fail you in that way or any other. If I could turn back time and stop everything I would, at whatever cost. I swear ―he closed his eyes as the other's hand brushed his cheek, wiping away the moisture in them.

― You liked him? ―he opened her eyes again to see him―. JongHoon Did you like him? ―he shook his head quickly.

― No, nonono. I only had eyes for you, you were my everything. My daddy, remember? ―they smiled again at the memory of the nickname SeungRi used to use when he wanted something.

― Then why? Did I do something wrong? ―SeungRi caught his breath as he saw the light from the nightlights reflecting in the eyes of his partner. Just like it was a few years ago.

― Nothing. The only guilty is me, me and my stupidity and my irresponsibility...

― Did you enjoy it? Did you think on me? ―he run his fingers over the bridge of his nose, tickling him.

― I don’t know. I don’t remember anything, absolutely nothing, and I prefer that it stays this way... I don’t want to remember anything of that moment, I want to forget everything ―he closed his eyes, letting the moisture out and opened them again, looking at the sheets―. I know it's selfish... I know it's very selfish, but I don’t want to remember it ―he touched the older’s face with his fingertips―. I want to forget the expression you put on that day... ―he pressed his hand to his chest―. Can I hug you? ―YoungBae accepted him in his arms and SeungRi clung to him, if YoungBae wore any shirt he would probably have buried his fingers in him violently.

― It's okay, SeungRi... everything's fine ―he reached for the light from the lamp on SeungRi's side, leaving the room darker―. Let's pretend nothing happened, let's forget it.

― But…

― I forgive you. That happened many years ago. What's the point of continuing with this? Let’s finish all of this in peace, without grudges.

― You mean... you still have the idea of divorce ―he nodded his head against his body.

― Yes ―he settled down in bed.

― Six months, remember? We hardly have one... Do you turn off the light? ―he close his eyes.

― Not with you over me... you turn it off ―he held out his hand as hard as he could until he reached the switch, leaving the room dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, thank you so much for still supporting this story even thought my grammar isn’t the best and I take quite a little bit (A lot) to update, you are the best <3


	6. Ay amor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I just noticed that I didn't update the chapter 4, so if you want to read it you're free to do it, it really don't affect the story.

_Yo nunca imagine enamorarme así_

_Nunca vi en otra mujer lo que vi en ti_

_No creía enamorarme no creía en el amor_

_Hasta que las flechas de cupido me hicieron un favor…_

_Ay amor – Los ángeles azules ft. Los amigos invisibles, Jiggy Drama y Gabacho_

 

YoungBae woke up suddenly when he felt the bed moving from side to side―. We fell asleep! ―he frowned as SeungRi opened the curtains, letting the sunlight in―. Get up, it's almost nine.

― What?! ―he jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom for an express shower. He didn’t even wait for the temperature to adjusted, just went into the stream, he was about to start washing his hair when the door opened and SeungRi hurried in―. What are you doing?

― What am doing? I'm not going dirty to work ―he draw him gently and step aside.

― There's another bathroom.

― Yes, but all things for take a bath are here ―he made his wet hair back, searching for the shampoo on the small shelf they had on the side of the braces.

It’s have been years since they do something like that, so they couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable with the situation, the shower had a good size, so they could avoid each other while washing their hair or soaping, but they had to stick under the rinsing so the water would fall over them, and that was a problem because they had been avoiding contact, especially in the sexual field, that they didn’t know where to look or where to lay their hands.

The discomfort made the bathroom shorter than expected. They changed and get ready as fast as they could to get down to the kitchen and half eat something, briefcases in their hands.

― My perfect record of punctuality went to the trash ―YoungBae complained, putting a packet of cookies in his briefcase.

― Aish, the first time in your life, don’t be ridiculous ―SeungRi hurriedly grabbed the car keys and ran to the door next to the other―. Go carefully, I'll see you later ―he bent to kiss his lips.

They both looked shocked by the action, stepping back quickly.

― Yeah... see you ―each one went into his own car and took to the street.

SeungRi was grateful that YoungBae didn’t get the red light like him and leaned his head against the wheel, squeezing it tightly, he didn’t know how to feel about what had happened. They said goodbye the same way they had done before.

He ignore the look of the man in the car next to him as he began to hit the wheel. He didn’t know whether to feel happy, or confused, or sad. And with the things that had happened the last days, it was simply too much for him; the rise and fall of emotions would drive him crazy.

As soon as the traffic light turned green, he accelerated to the speed limit, he didn’t want to be late for work, but also he didn’t want to have a ticket, so he drove as fast as the traffic regulations allowed.

When he got to the estate quickly parked the car and ran inside―. Someone got stuck in the sheets ―one of his coworkers made fun while carrying a thick folder.

― In fact, I do not even hear the alarm on the phone ―he heard her laugh as she went to her place―. Got damn.

― At least it was for a good reason? ―he look at Edwin, who was checking the catalogs that had just arrived―. Sooo? ―he glanced at him smiling.

― No. We just fell asleep ―he switched on the computer and opened the Excel document he'd been working on the day before―. Yesterday we get a little excited about the activity that Dr. Weinberg left us.

― Oh, that's good ―the brunette turned the page―. So are the appointments working?

― I don’t know ―he breathed, not moving the computer mouse―. We almost ended up fighting again yesterday.

― Why?

― We were discussing who would get more points in the Dinosaur’s Chrome game.

― Tell me you're fucking me ―Edwin didn’t want to laugh, but he couldn’t help it. Sometimes SeungRi and his partner reminded him to a couple of capricious children―. Did you fight over that?

― We didn’t fight, we only discussed a little because he didn’t want to admit that I was better ―he made a pout while looking at the monitor―. We have a date again today ―he bit the inside of his lip―. I'm afraid of what he’s going to ask this time, the last time we touch... painful issues.

― If the doctor thinks it necessary, you'll have to do it ―he look at him sympathetically―. How has he reacted to the therapies?

SeungRi took a deep breath and let him out in a tired sigh―. I don’t know, I swear I don’t know. Sometimes I get the impression that everything is going to go back to the way it was before, and then he goes away again ―he rested his chin on his hand―, I want to believe that all of this is going to end well and that we are going to be the couple we were once.

― If you remain positive, and above all, constant in the therapies, I am sure that you’ll succeeded.

SeungRi grinned at him―. When you talk like this you remind me of one of my hyungs in Korea, only that he smiled a lot more than you.

― What the hell does that mean? ―he threw a paper ball at him.

 

They were again in the room of the twin armchairs, although this time they were side by side, the notebooks back in their hands. The doctor looked at them with a smile―. Today we will continue with the activities of sincerity and trust. Do you agree? ―none of them answered. They knew the question was a mere routine, even if they didn’t want to do it, they would end up doing the activity―. This time I will ask a single question and you will answer with the first thing that comes to your mind, simple, and based on that we will get the issues to deal with ―he look at both of them, who nodded, waiting for him to start―. Well… What was the first thing you thought when you first met? ―SeungRi gave a scandalous laugh that immediately get silence, but managed to see the two of them.

― I'm sorry... ―he crouched down and began to write.

― I have some curiosity to know what you write, especially after that laugh, can you show it? SeungRi, you start ―he nodded quickly and held up his notebook. "Weirdo"

― Seriously? ―YoungBae looked at him unenthusiastically and he just laughed.

― It's just that ―the doctor told him to continue―. You were so weird YoungBae, you have to admit it. The perfect nerd.

― I just regret what I wrote ―the brunette rolled his eyes.

― Can you show us what you wrote? ―Weinberg was happy, they had started with a good atmosphere the session. He watched closely for SeungRi reaction to see what YoungBae had written. "Beauty"

― Did you really think that? ―YoungBae nodded, looking at the floor. Suddenly he felt ashamed―. Now I feel bad for calling you subnormal.

― I asked you before how you met. Do you think you can tell me what that moment was like? ―the doctor settled more comfortably on his seat―. What made you think what you wrote?

They both looked at each other, reminding each other of what they experienced and felt at that moment―. We said we met for a friend ―Bruce nodded―, well, I wasn’t a person who likes to go out to a lot at parties and things, and in fact I still don’t like much ―he sucked his lips searching for the right words to express himself―. The semester was over, and as always, they wanted to have a party to celebrate, and as always, I didn’t want to go. So JiYong dragged me to the party, according to him he had something important to show me.

― And that something important was SeungRi, right? ―SeungRi nodded proudly.

― Jiyong hyung had said that he was finally going to introduce me to his brother, the one I didn’t know, I was very excited ―SeungRi began―. I remember asking him how he could ask me not to drink at a college party, if they met especially for that ―the doctor began to make notes on his notebook―. Well, when the time had come, I went with him to the place and we spent some time talking to some guys, the usual. Then he got a call and left me there.

― I remember that ―YoungBae interrupted―. He forced me to go and I couldn’t find him, so I called him.

― And that's when I met him. It was such an awkward moment, I swear, he just stared and it made me feel so nervous ―he laughed―, I swear. It was scary.

― It wasn’t that much.

― It was, admit it. You just looked at me and you say anything.

― Well, I was impressed. You don’t know what it's like to live your whole life without being attracted to anyone and suddenly meet someone like that. It's ridiculous ―SeungRi lowered his head to hide his smile.

― But what does this have to do with calling him a nerd? ―Weinberg looked at both of them.

― Because I cared about my future. I wasn’t like the other students who get all crazy in the university because they have some freedom...

― No, no, no, no. Have you seen those series in which there is a typical boy who is always locked up reading books and studying and is always the first in his class and that? ―SeungRi made a series of gestures with his hands that made the doctor raise a mocking eyebrow as he nodded―. Well, that's how YoungBae was ―he nodded, adjusting to hear what he always said―. He didn’t go out, it didn’t matter when or who begged him to go.

― You have very different as a personality, right? ―the doctor wrote again in his notebook.

― Yeah. We're like water and oil ―YoungBae said and SeungRi pouted.

― We're like mayonnaise ―SeungRi grinned.

― No, please ―he nodded back, muttering ashamed.

― Mayonnaise is water and oil, but can’t be separated because of the egg. Yes, we are very different, but it was the love that we had that allowed us to be together. Our love is like the egg... ―he turned red suddenly―. I'm sorry... I get excited.

― Okay, nice to see you express yourself in that way of your relationship ―he look at his notebook before looking up again―. How did you start your relationship?

― Well, we had already told him that we had been friends for almost two years, then we started dating and two years later we started living together.

― Almost two years of friendship, that's a long time...

― It's just that YoungBae was not very good at flirting ―SeungRi looked at him with a mixture of feelings―. I had no idea he was interested in me. He was always very serious and grumpy, and he mocked me a lot... but he did a lot of really nice things to make me fall in love.

― SeungRi was too distracted, or idiot, I don’t know...

― How was I supposed to know that wanted to date me if you never put your name in the things you gave me? As far as I knew, it was a mere secret admirer ―the younger looked offended.

― You went to live together just two years after having a relationship. What did your friends or family say about it? Because I understand that SeungRi was quite young.

― I was nineteen when we started to live together, so no, they really didn’t take it very well, especially my mother.

― Their mothers were a big obstacle in their relationship, right?

― At first it was with SeungRi's mother ―YoungBae tugged at his earlobe―. She didn’t reject me or anything, but I was already in legal age when I take SeungRi with me, in the own words of my mother in law. Our friends, they were happy for us, but most also believed that it was very rushed.

― And then moving out of the country, and then getting married ... yes, people always said we were getting too fast ―SeungRi played with the edge of the notebook sheets―, they said that we hadn’t lived long enough to make such decisions.

― And with the things that have happened, do you think they were right? Do you think you get to fast with all of those decisions? ―they both looked at each other and said nothing, slowly looking away.

― We told each other many times before we were married, if we were getting too far ―YoungBae couldn’t help remembering those days, after SeungRi accepted the ring with he proposed to him.

They both knew it was the final step in formalizing their relationship, but they also realized that for most people they were still too young to do such a thing. He twenty-three and SeungRi twenty-one. What kind of person at their age was planning to marry?―. But even so we decided to continue with the plans... we got married very young, yes, but honestly I don’t regret having doing it.

― Me neither ―SeungRi stared at his fingers―. I marry at the young age of twenty-one, opposing everyone, even my mother who asked me to wait a little longer, even opposing to JiYong, who was the one who supported us the most in our relationship, and you know? I would do it again, I would marry him again because he is the person I love most in the world ―he turned to face YoungBae―. You really don´t regret married me? Even after of everything that happened? ―the older looked up to meet his eyes and shook his head and lowered his gaze―. So... So why do you want to get divorced? If you don’t regret being with me... Why?

The brunette stared at the floor repeating that question in his head, slowly raised his head and looked at the wall in front of him―. Because I looked at you and couldn’t help but remember everything that happened. Because I feel that at any moment everything is going to fall again and that this time I will not be able to get up, and I know that you can do it, you will because you are stronger than I am...

― Does it have anything to do with SeungRi's infidelity ―neither of them said anything. Bruce watched their faces. YoungBae stared at the wall with a nostalgic expression and SeungRi looked at him between hurt and sad, squeezing the fabric of his pants tightly―. There are more things we haven’t discussed, right? ―stopped himself from sighing―, I think we will move to the next part of the session earlier today, SeungRi do you agree that we start with you first? ―both nodded and YoungBae rise to leave the room―. How did you feel about the small session today?

The black-haired man turned his body inhaling slowly―. I didn’t know that was the first impression YoungBae had about me ―he smiled slightly―. It made me happy to be honest.

― Explain how your friendship was ―SeungRi stared at the wall remembering.

― YoungBae is a very kind person and is also very shy, so when he starts to relate to a person most of the time he is uncomfortable, and that makes you feel uncomfortable ―he ran his hands down his thighs―. But when you become close to him he change completely, the timid man disappears completely and becomes a cheerful person.

SeungRi looked at the doctor with a smile―. I became the target of his jokes and always mocked me, always. Already when we started dating as a couple I realized that he did it to get my attention. He also scolded me a lot, if he saw me or knew that I had been drunk until I passed out, he called to scold me, if I was lucky, if it went wrong he would go form me where I was, with hangover and everything, and made me do something like running or helping him with a project.

― He cared about you ―he agreed again.

― Yes. A lot ―his smile slowly disappeared―. Sometimes, when I remember how hard he tried to get my attention, I feel bad for being with so many people. Do you know what I mean?

― Did you have many partners? ―Bruce crossed his ankle above his knee.

― I don’t think calling them pairs is right ―the doctor nodded, understanding―. During the time of our friendship YoungBae knew what I was doing, I even told him about my relationships one night, he saw me kissing anyone and disappearing suddenly with them. And he complain about this, but not from a point of view where he was noticed to be jealous but worried. What if he was a rapist? What if you get an AID? It was what he said ―he bit his lips lightly. I did all of this in front of him and still he choose to stay with me... so I never hesitate to go live with him, or I didn’t think twice when he asked me to marry him, who can love me more than YoungBae? The one who accepted me even with my dirty past.

― Do you feel that you owe him? ―he look at him as he said a blasphemy.

― No! Of course not! That wouldn’t be fair to him, he deserves to be truly loved, and I do, if I had stayed with him just because he forgiven all of my stupidities would have been like feel shame for him or something...

― He mentioned something about everything collapsing again. What did he mean? ―SeungRi tensed and his lips parted to say something but stopped himself looking away―. Okay, you don’t have to say it.

― I want to say it, but... I don’t...

― Do not feel ready, okay, don’t force things, calm ―he looked grateful at him and shifted in the chair trying to calm down―. Do you believe what he said? ―he caught his attention again―. Do you think you are stronger than him?

― I don’t know what YoungBae thinks of me on that plane, but I don’t think he understands that if I'm as strong as he says it's because he's with me ―his eyes watered―, if he isn’t with me, I don’t know if I can get up so easily from the blow ―he looked down and then back up, staring at him―. He is my everything.

― How have things been since the last session? ―he said when finished writing.

― Rare. Sometimes he behaves distantly and then he becomes the person he once was. It confuses me ―he scratched his chin.

― And you talked about what happened between you and that other man? ―SeungRi nodded.

― We talked that night. He said that he was fine and that he forgave me, that he really forgave me.

― Did you believe him?

― Yes ―he smiled―. I believed him because I hugged him, and I know it doesn’t sound like something important, but it was that he hadn’t hugged me that way, he wouldn’t hold me against him like he would not let me go ―he rubbed his hands softly―, it was so nice to go to sleep feeling his skin through the clothes, and to feel the scent of his skin ―a few tears escaped him and the doctor hurriedly passed him a box of tissues. He had prepared himself that day knowing what SeungRi's reactions were―. And then wake up and see that we were still hugging. I felt loved again ―he pressed the napkin against his eyelids to wipe away the tears and laughed lightly―. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, does it?

― It is if it matters to you ―he said with a smile―. Did he say anything about the divorce?

― He said he still wanted to divorce... he hugs me like that and tells me that he wants to separate from me.

― Let me tell you something ―he set the pen inside of his notebook an closed it―, that inconsistency in his actions means that this is working, that he is beginning to doubt what he says and what he wants to do ―SeungRi grinned and nodded his head in excitement―. Now let's make it happen to the-both of you ―the younger nodded again and got up to leave the room.

Bruce followed YoungBae with his gaze as he entered and took the place that SeungRi had been occupying the whole session―. So ... A nerd?

― Aish, he always says the same thing. Yes, I was a person who got too into the studies, but I don’t think it was that much.

― He still express about yourself wonderfully ―he opened his notebook again ―, well, tell me, how have things been since the last date? SeungRi told me about the talk you had.

― I wanted to get this thing done for good ―he adjusted himself to face him.

― So you forgive him just for putting the problem aside?

― No, I'm not going to deny that everything that happens still hurts. Who does not? But what's the point of keeping such a memory alive? If the best way to leave it behind is to forgive it, I will, I don’t want to be unfair ―the doctor looked interested―, he wasn’t in his five senses when that happened, and I think that was what annoyed me most, that he didn’t even knew what’s he was doing, he didn’t cheated me because he didn’t love me or because he was attracted to another person, he simply got drunk. As far as I know that person could even have taken advantage of him.

― Do you reach that conclusion after what we talk here? ―YoungBae ran a hand over his mouth, shaking his head.

― No, it was after we talked privately. He doesn’t remember anything and doesn’t want to remember it, neither do I. We'll just leave that behind.

― Like a new beginning? ―YoungBae narrowed his eyes, understanding the double meaning in his words.

― To close circles ―answered.

― I understand, now tell me. How did you feel about the routine change? Not leaving late from work and sharing a few minutes with her husband before bed.

― I think I'm calmer, I also sleep a little more now and that shows in my work. As for the routine before going to sleep... I think I feel good, SeungRi gets comfortable little by little to his work life and that shows in his mood, I feel calm about that... I still don’t like the idea of that he has returned to work but if that makes him happy, how am I going to demand him to leave?

― It's good to hear that. I'm sure SeungRi will feel better if you support him ―the dark-haired man nodded and watched as the doctor shifted in his seat―. There is a question I want to ask you too. What did you mean when you said that everything was falling apart? ―YoungBae relaxed his body, as if he wanted to sink into the chair.

― To that same thing, to feel that we are slowly dying... I remember well that one day before getting married my mother called me saying that I would never find happiness marrying SeungRi, and that one day God would punish us for what we were doing ―he licked his lips―. Sometimes, when I think of it, it gives me the impression that it's true, that we'll never be happy in the end... there are things that simply mark you and you can’t leave behind...

― But you can learn to live with it ―Bruce said nothing more. It was obvious that neither of them felt ready to talk about anything that was bothering them. He finished making notes in his notebook and got up from his chair, telling the other that the session was over.

As usual, they went out together into the main room where SeungRi was waiting for them with a curious expression, eager to know what the activity of that week would be.

― This time I have a special activity ―Bruce took off his glasses to rest his eyes―. I want you to write a love letter. but this letter has to be addressed to you ―he put his hands together in his lap―. I want you to think about the happiest moment you have had as a couple and I want you to ask yourself what do I have to do to feel this way again? What has changed from that moment until now? And how much have I changed? Both good and bad. You can see it as a self-criticism. Concentrate on yourself and not your partner.

― What do we do when we make the letter? ―YoungBae still looked confused by the directions.

― Read it and reflect on what is really affecting your relationship. What attitudes are affecting you? ―he put on his glasses again―, you don’t have to do it now, take your time, think hard about what you are going to write, remember it is a love letter for you, or for the self of the moment you chose ―they both nodded―. Our next appointment will be in two weeks. Take advantage of the time you have, I repeat, it doesn’t have to be something quick or something they write from one moment to another ―he smiled at both of them―, remain as now gentlemen, even if you don’t believe it, or don’t want to believe it, you are moving forward.

 

The return trip to home was always quiet. Both used to take that time to think about the things they had said and sometimes on how to break the uncomfortable tension that was between them after each appointment.

The house was silent and all YoungBae did was see SeungRi from the couch. The younger had been staring at the garden from the window in the living room without saying or doing anything, keeping his arms folded.

He ran his eyes slowly over his thin figure and the outline of his face, admiring how the light allowed him to see his lashes moving as he blinked. It amazed him how with the passage of time SeungRi had become even more attractive, he kept the features of a child in some of his expressions, but it was obvious that he was a mature man.

SeungRi turned and caught him looking at him. He knew that looking away would only make him look more obvious, so he held his gaze, and he felt a knot in his stomach as he smiled softly at him and immediately SeungRi’s smile faded away―. Why that face? You feel good? ―he walked over to where he was to see him better and YoungBae stood up.

― Yeah, I'm just a bit tired, I'll go get some sleep ―he hurried up the stairs and felt ridiculous. He was running again.

He closed the room door and collapsed onto the bed, burying his face in the pillow. He felt stunned, to put it on somehow. I didn’t even know what he was doing.

He buried the fingers of one of his hands in his hair, a few weeks ago he was willing to leave everything behind for the sake of both, but now he wasn’t sure what he wanted, remembering the things that brought them together, and the things they had been through together, it was giving him chills, in a good and bad sense. He closed his eyes and covered his head with his pillow.

He woke when he felt the smell of coffee in the room. He removed the pillow from his head and saw SeungRi leave two thermal glasses with a logo on the nightstand and then turned on the lamp that was there.

― I was just going to wake you up ―he sat down on the bed, leaving a box on it―. I went to Kettle ―he opened the box―, wait, I'll go get some napkins.

He sat down and watched him walk quietly out the door. He looked out of the window and realized that it was practically dark, the sun was just turning red. He rubbed one of his eye and took one of the cups to remove the lid and see what was his: a decaffeinated american, without milk and two of sugar. He put the lid on it again and drank from the opening, careful not to burn himself.

― I brought you a bacon-maple donut ―SeungRi said, opening the white box and pulling out the long bun, handing it over on the napkin―. Or you prefer the s’mores one? I also brought a chocolate one and a Boston cream.

― No, thanks ―they began to eat in silence. All that was heard was the constant puffing in the hot coffee and the noisy sips SeungRi gave―. How long have I been asleep?

― An hour and a half, I think ―he set the cup down on the little table while eating the last bite of the s’mores donut. He cleaned his hands and tilled his head to see YoungBae―. What’s wrong? Do you still feel bad?

― Why you say?

― Because the maple-bacon is your favorite and you're not even halfway ―he sat up to face him―. What's up?

― Nothing ―SeungRi frowned slightly.

― Remember we have to maintain communication ―YoungBae nodded slowly as he took another bite―. If you do not want to tell me as your partner I remind you that I was my friend first...

He let out a choked laugh and nodded―. Really, I'm fine... I just feel a bit tired ―he looked up as he felt SeungRi's fingers caressing his cheek.

― Like sick? ―he closed his eyes as his hand ran up his face to his forehead, where he pressed the back of his hand―. It doesn’t look like you have fever ―he opened his eyes suddenly when he felt his breath close, the smell of coffee and the sweetness reached his nose. Their gazes met and he felt unable to pull away.

― I don’t feel sick, just tired ―he leaned down a little more and could feel his lashes brushing the bridge of his nose, his lips barely touching. They had both stopped breathing, waiting for the other to take the first step, and when YoungBae had barely made up his mind to bring his lips together, SeungRi shifted, joining his cheeks and timidly running his hands behind his back, holding onto his shoulders. He felt a small kiss on his cheek and he leaned back against him, rubbing his cheeks lightly.

He managed to put the coffee cup and the remaining of the donut on the bedside table and laid his hands on SeungRi's hip―. I want to kiss you ―he whispered, feeling the warmth of the other's hands.

― Would you believe me if I told you that I want it too?

― Don’t, you should prove it ―he bit his lip to hide a small smile. They looked into each other's eyes and they inclined slowly to join their lips, but they didn’t kiss―. I bet you don’t dare to kiss me first ―he murmur playfully looking into his eyes.

― I think you want it more than I do ―he felt his hands touching his neck.

― Maybe ―he began to press light kisses over his lips and then made a path of small kisses to his left cheek, returning through the same path and then did the same to the right cheek but this time when he return to his lips YoungBae attacked him with an aggressive kiss that he had no problem in answer.

They began to suck and tug at his lips. Their tongues touched and massaged making it a damp, sloppy kiss, SeungRi's fingers buried in his brown hair and tugged at him, especially when they ended up leaning against each other in bed.

They parted only a few centimeters with their breaths agitated, feeling the moisture of saliva on their lips and around them.

― How the hell did the saliva get to my nose? ―SeungRi wiped the tip of his nose with the back of his hand―, we should go to bed early today? ―YoungBae nodded and sat on the bed, SeungRi saw him eat the rest of the donut and drink his coffee―. Get into bed, I'll take this in the trash.

He put the contents of the cups together and put them together before handing over to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and washed his face. When he return to the room he took his pajamas from under the covers and changed himself before preparing the bed. Adjusting the pillows and covers.

He just got into bed when SeungRi went straight into the bathroom. He hear him brush his teeth and he just closed his eyes, hoping to fall asleep soon. A few minutes later SeungRi had turned off the lamp and lay down on the other side of the bed in front of him.

― Good night ―he closed her eyes again but opened them again as SeungRi approached him to kiss him again, taking him by surprise.

― I don’t know when this is going to repeat, so I had to take advantage of it ―he returned to his place with a smile and covered himself with the blankets. He curled up against the pillow and closed his eyes, both of them falling asleep in a little while.

 

He frowned, listening to the message alert tone of his cell phone. He crack opened his eyes and looked for it, pressing the button and closed his eyes tightly when the light blinded him.

He crack opened his eyes again and saw JiYong's messages.

Yongyong: _"You're going to kill me."_

He blink quickly so the light doesn’t hurt him and unlock the phone to lower the brightness.

Ri: _"Hyung, it's four o'clock here. What's wrong?"_

Yongyong: _"God, you're going to kill me."_

He was going to write an answer when his cell vibrated again. _"YoungBae's mother just found out you two have problems"_

He bit his lips to keep himself from cursing, and he rise slowly to get out of bed slowly to not wake YoungBae.

He left the room and went downstairs to the kitchen―. Hyung, how did you hear about it?

_― I'm sorry, SeungRi. Apparently she knew that I went to visit you and came to see me to ask how YoungBae was and accidentally said something I should not, it wasn’t like I said "Yes, your son asked for a divorce" I just said a comment but I think she understood too well, you know how she is..._

― Hyung, do not tell me that ―he sat down in the breakfast table and put his head on his hand―. Do you know what she's going to do? It's going to warm YoungBae's head, God, she's capable of mess all the progress we've made.

― _Oh come on_ ―JiYong sounded incredulous on the other side of the line―. _You know YoungBae really doesn’t pay much attention to him._

― I didn’t do it before because I was fine with him, now our relationship is so fragile that I don’t know what the hell to expect ―he try to keep his tone as low as possible, contrary to him YoungBae had a very light sleep―. Now I'm scare.

― _Ri..._

― You know she hates me ―he dropped his head to the table―. Hyuuuuung...

― _Calm Ri, if she get to contact with YoungBae you'll find out, I'm sure, just calm down and go back to sleep._

― I don’t know if I can sleep now.

― _I'll let you know if anything happens. Okay? Calm down, go back to bed, and take care, okay?_

― Goodbye Yong hyung ―he hung up and left the cell phone on the table. Why was he so unlucky?

He stood up and come back upstairs. He was sure that he wouldn’t be able sleep now―. Where you go? ―YoungBae said half asleep when he returned to the bed.

― To the bathroom ―he cover himself and heard him mutter something. He just stood there staring in to the dark, trying to fall asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hieeee~ it’s been a while, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I just get distracted to easily, sorry, but here is the chapter :3, I hope you enjoyed it~ it was made and translated with love <3 thanks for waiting, see you in the next one.


	7. ¿Qué nos paso?

_¿Qué nos pasó?_

_¿Por qué nos perdimos?_

_¿Dónde quedo_

_aquello que nos prometimos?_

_¿Qué nos pasó? - Reyli_

 

YoungBae left the pen aside with a heavy feeling in his chest. He read and reread the paragraphs he had written, the feeling getting stronger and stronger.

It had been a bad idea to start making that letter at work, a really, bad idea. Now he couldn’t concentrate on his work as he wanted, his mind filled with thousands of thoughts and memories, from absolute happiness to the most painful.

He saved the sheets on which he had been writing in a folder and put it in his briefcase. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind, he had work to do, personal matters should stayed at home, work in the office, never mixed. He put his hands on the keyboard and his eyes were fixed on the document he had open a few moments before turning to the framed photograph that had at the side of his desk. He stretch his arm to take it gently, feeling the cold material between his fingers.

He had always considered it cheesy, childish and unprofessional to have photographs of the family or couple on the desk, but the long hours at work, the affection and the need to see or feel his loved one made him had one. So many things had made him frame that picture from the first time they stepped into their house in LA.

He remembered it so well, the first thing Seungri had done was run into the garden, not the rooms, the kitchen, or the bathrooms, that had already been seen well in photographs and an earlier visit. He had gone to the garden and talked about all the things they were going to do, the parties, the evenings in the grass or the lounge that SeungHyun had helped him to choose. And then, just like that, he threw himself on the grass, and he couldn’t resist the temptation to take a picture of him with his cell phone, throwing himself on him to have the best angle possible, to feel him close.

He caress the glass with the tips of my fingers. That smile, those mischievous eyes. Her skin shining in the sun. Things were so different back then. Everything was so perfect. Unreal.

He left the frame in place and his hand went to his cell phone, unblocking it without knowing exactly why. His fingers came and went through the applications in the beginning, opening them and closing them until he reached the contacts agenda. I could do it, I wanted to do it. I didn’t have to call him, maybe a message, anything he wrote would make him happy, he was sure of that. But he didn’t know what to write, there were so many things he wanted to tell him. He let out a sigh and set the phone to one side, returning his hands to the keyboard.

Personal matters must stay at home.

* * *

 

SeungRi came home completely heated. The humidity on that day was horrible and it felt like it even his ass was sweating, it was not normal considering there was less and less time for autumn.

He wanted to put something light on and lie on the bed with the air conditioning on to cool off, he didn’t even feel like cooking, he was just going to order a pizza.

He set the alarm of the car and entered the house, releasing an expression of satisfaction, feeling the coolness in the house, totally different from outside, but still, he wanted it to be cooler, so he went to the thermostat and reduced a couple of degrees more.

He went to the room to change and went to the living room again, notebook and pen in hand, wanting to start the letter. It had been more than a week since the last date and he had been delaying it, he had to finish the letter in time and he had only a few days left.

He fall down in the sofa. What was the happiest moment? What was the happiest moment he had had with YoungBae so far? There were so many that he wasn’t sure. When he asked him to live together, or when they shared bed for the first time, or when first woke up next to him, or when they came to the United States. His wedding day. There were so many that he couldn’t decide for one.

He heard the sound of YoungBae's car engine and sprang to his feet, setting the notebook aside and sitting down, turning the television on―. You arrived early today.

― There was a surprise audit ―he said grumpily―, so we went out early, the ones from projections ran like crazy from side to side because they didn’t expect it.

― You should be happy. How many places do you know that they cut off activities? ―said changing channel―. I was thinking about ordering pizza, I don’t feel like cooking today.

― As you wish, you know that I eat anything ―he went upstairs without saying anything else. SeungRi dropped back into the sofa, staring at the variety show on the screen. He didn’t want to get up on the phone. It was like this until YoungBae came back down, now dressed in sport pants and a T-shirt―. What are you doing?

― I don’t want to get up for the phone ―YoungBae rolled his eyes―. Give it to me, please?

― Just stand up ―he followed him with his eyes, watching him go to the furniture of the movies―. Do you want to see one? ―he sat down at once.

― Which?

― I don’t know, whatever you want ―he take a box and look at it.

― Can we see Twelve Monkeys? ―he got up to go on the phone―. Peperoni?

― And double cheese ―SeungRi laughed and walked away to talk on the phone.

Two hours later they were watching the end of the movie.

SeungRi settled into the chair, a plate of pizza in his hands―. Hey... ―the older man replied with a guttural sound―. You'd received…? I don’t know... A call out of the ordinary the last few days?

― Out of the ordinary? ―he stopped looking at the screen to pay attention, and SeungRi bit the slice.

― Yes... from someone you didn’t expect...

― No. Not that I remember. Why? ―he looked at the screen.

― Well ―he said―, it's just that Daesungie hyung called me yesterday, and well, it surprised me a little, he's the kind of person who prefers to send you messages.

― If he called you should have told me, I would have liked to say hello.

― He send your greetings, is just that we speak when I was at work, that reminds me that I haven’t told the boys that I have returned to work ―he smiled, happy to have found an easy way out.

― They'll be happy when you tell them, I assure you ―SeungRi watched him lean over to the pizza box for another slice.

― Yes ―the credits began to appear on the screen―. Oh, I really love this movie ―he set the empty plate on the table―. No matter how many times I watch it, it never bores me ―YoungBae nodded as he continued to eat―. Bae... ―the older turned to look at him―. No, nothing.

― What?

― Nothing, nothing ―he stood up, picking up the plates and glasses.

― SeungRi... ―he look sternly, finishing the edges of the pizza.

― Really, nothing ―he asked him for his plate.

― I hate it when you do that ―he helped bring the glasses to the kitchen―. If you're going to tell me something, just say it.

― You don’t tell me many things either.

― Are we going to argue again? ―he leaned on the counter, listening to the water running in the sink.

― No, I don’t want... it's just that ―he set the sponge aside―. YoungBae... we’re going to ... We’re going to go this year? ―the brunette bent his head and reached out to stroke the nape of his neck with his fingertips, SeungRi shifted feeling tickled.

― I don’t know ―he reached out his hand to the back of his neck, massaging his muscles―. Do you want icecream?

― There's no one in the fridge.

― I can go and buy one of those chocolate and hazelnuts-covered coffee popsicles.

― That sounds pornographic ―he chuckled―. But buy two for me.

― OK, piggy.

― Idiot ―he continued washing the dishes.

* * *

 

They greeted Dr. Weinberg, who this time received them in in the room of the enormous sofa.

― Be comfortable, no matter if you turn your backs or face each other, I just want you to settle in as well as possible ―they both obeyed and sat side by side, staring at the ceiling―. Tell me, how did the activity go?

― Well... I think ―SeungRi licked his lips―. It was strange, it isn’t common to write a letter to yourself.

― And you think that it help you in something?

― I don’t know ―Bae said, closing his eyes―, maybe, but I still don’t know how.

― I'm sure it help you both ―the doctor took his notebook and sat down―. There's something I've been wondering if it's the source of your problems ―he took a moment to see if either of them said anything, but they just kept quiet―. Is Seungri's drinking habit what has brought you up to this point?

The room was silent―. It’s rather... it is a consequence of the problem ―YoungBae opened his eyes.

― I see. SeungRi, would you mind telling me a bit about this?

― What exactly?

― Let's start at the beginning. At what age did you start drinking?

― Oh god, at what age? ―he gave a nervous laugh―. The first time I took alcohol was at twelve, with my father, but I started drinking seriously at fourteen or fifteen, when I started to work.

― Did you start your work life so young?

― Yes, it was necessary ―he stirred on the couch, and Bae turned to see him, quietly asking if he wanted to talk about it―. My father died when I was about to turn fourteen, from that moment my mother took care of me and my sister, she alone. We had relatives who helped us, but they couldn’t always do it, they also had their own family. So I started to work, I started with a small part-time job, it wasn’t much what I earned, but it was something and it made me happy to help my mom a little, at least with my school expenses and transportation, sometimes I also help with my sister's, but things started to become more difficult with the pass of time. So little by little I started to stop going to classes to find jobs where they paid me more, in the end I ended up leaving school to work all day.

― How did that influence you to start drinking?

― Well... I always worked with people who were older than me, at first they invited me a beer can at lunch, or tried something stronger from time to time, but I started to grow and I started to being invited to parties, older ones were in charge to look up for the youngers like me, also they were in charge of giving us drinks. I grew up and started drinking more and more. At sixteen my mother found out I had left school, but even though she asked me, I didn’t come back, the money I earned helped us a lot, and it was something she couldn’t deny. At that point in my life, the only thing that mattered to me was that she and Hana had everything they need and that my sister could finish her studies.

― So that's why YoungBae doesn’t want to see you work anymore.

― He was still a child when he began to work ―the brunet spoke―. When other people of his age were concerned about whether they could buy the latest album from their favorite group or buy something, SeungRi was looking for a way to bring more money to his home. He couldn’t even finish basic education.

SeungRi laughed―. Yes but you know? I wasn’t good at school ―he groaned as YoungBae pinched him―. What? It's true.

― SeungRi could have done a lot if he was been able to finish the school, but still it decided not to continue.

― Sorry, no interruption, but how did this make you get along so well with the drink?

He let out a sigh―. I think I just like to drink, and I'm good at it. It became a habit that when I started feeling stressed I get out and drink with my friends, and then I met people who were in college and they invited me to every party, and I agreed to go, and you know how college students are, since Thursday to Sunday. It became an habit. Almost like a vicious circle.

― And there you get on the scene, isn’t it YoungBae?

― I suppose ―he bit his lip.

― When did you meet him, did you know about that habit of him?

― Yongie had told me that he was worried about his friend ―he stirred in the large sofa―. He drank more than him and more often and he was scare that maybe he was trying other things, you know, drugs ―the younger turned to see him offended―. That was one of the reasons he was urging us to introduce ourselves. As soon as we met, JiYong and I started doing something to try to stop that.

― Is that why you started asking me out? ―SeungRi turned to look at him, smiling.

― Partly…

― Liar ―the doctor only looked at them from his place.

― But it works.

― But alcohol has been the source of their problems, right? ―in fact Weinberg hated to interrupt those moments when the two seemed to come closer, but it was necessary.

They both sighed, not knowing what to answer―. I stopped drinking almost completely when we got here, I didn’t want to... fall back on the same mistakes. But in the end I did it again, as always.

― Can you explain a little of that?

― SeungRi ―the doctor looked at YoungBae, who suddenly became defensive.

― It’s okay... I think ―he breathed again―. I think I'm ready ―he reached for his hand, because although he felt ready for what was coming, he wasn’t sure he could do it alone.

― I had a... Relapse? I don’t know if you can call it like that, which cost me a lot to get out... it was to be drunk day and night, and I think I just stopped drinking when I couldn’t move or when I fell asleep because of alcohol ―he stared blankly at the wall―, and yet YoungBae cared for me, if I did not die of alcoholic congestion it was because he was always by my side.

― What made you drink again? Because if you had decided to stop doing it...

― I lost a baby ―the room was silent and the doctor couldn’t hide his surprise.

― You lost a baby? ―SeungRi nodded silently and felt YoungBae rise to sit down―. How long ago?

― Soon will be two years.

― You want to talk about it? ―SeungRi glanced at YoungBae, who had remained at the end of the reposet.

― You want to talk about it? ―he stood up and gently pressed the older man's arm. YoungBae turned to look at him in a way he couldn’t read and nodded, looking away. He settled down in the middle of the reposet and crossed his legs, leaning against her husband's back.

― Two years ago we found out we were going to be parents ―he smiled slightly―. We were very happy, very excited, finally we could have a family ―his lips trembled, erasing the smile.

― We were all ready to receive our son ―YoungBae crouched, resting his arms on his knees―. His room was going to be next to ours. We decorate it, we buy furniture, clothes, toys. Everything necessary for when he was born and his first years of life.

― What happened? ―he adjusted his glasses.

― One day ―Seungri took a deep breath trying to remember everything―, it was a day like any other, YoungBae only sometimes went to the company because he could do much of his work from home. He liked to take care of me because my pregnancy had certain risk, I had to be in bed always or move very little.

― Did you have an abortion? ―they both denied.

― Our baby died ―Seungri's voice broke―. Just like that... he died inside of me.

― Did you give birth to a dead child?

― I had to go to a meeting that day ―YoungBae breathed out―, SeungRi asked me not to go and stay with him, he wanted us to stay in bed all day, as always, but I told him that I couldn’t stay that day and that it would take no more than a couple of hours.

― Bae? ―the younger boy approached him when he noticed that he began to tremble.

― If I had stayed that day with him our baby would be with us. If I hadn’t left that day and stayed with him as he asked, our baby would be with us ―he pressed his hands to his face, rubbing hard and burying his fingers in to his hair―. I could have saved our son, and I didn’t do it.

― Bae... no...

― Our son died because of me. Because I didn’t stay with Seungri when he asked me, because I left him even though I knew I needed to take care of him, that I needed to take care both of them.

― Bae! ―SeungRi wrapped his arms around him―. Enough, it isn’t true.

― It's my fault ―said again, crying―, our baby died because of me.

―No, you that is’t true ―he rubbed his back, trying to reassure him, trying in vain to control his own tears―. It wasn’t like that.

 ― I should have stayed with you, if you'd made it to the hospital on time, the baby would have survived ―he clutched at him tightly―. We would be a family, we would be happy ―SeungRi looked at the doctor for help, but he nodded slightly, asking him to let him vent―. I wouldn’t have forced us to live this, wouldn’t have made you suffer so much ―he buried his nose in his hair―. It's my fault that our marriage is broken, it's all my fault.

He closed his eyes, feeling as YoungBae trembled in his arms, crying in silence.

― Now, calm down ―he circled his fingers on his back―, it wasn’t your fault. You know it wasn’t your fault ―he pulled away from him―. You wanted our baby to be born, you wanted it as much or more than I did… I was the one who couldn’t give you a son ―they both hugged each other again.

― You only brought me happiness in my life, you are the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. And how have I paid you? I haven’t even been able to keep the promise of making you happy, not even protecting you.

― No, that's not true.

― Do you want to tell me how things were? ―the doctor stopped writing to see them―. Since we have reached this point, perhaps it is better that you take it out completely ―the couple slowly separated.

― We'll do it only if you want it ―SeungRi nodded and picked up his hand again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was a short chapter but the next one it's kind of hard o3o really sad and hard to write for me, however, thank you so much for still supporting this story, really <3 love for all of you

**Author's Note:**

> And? What you think? It’s been a long time since I publish something here… I swear, I never know what to say when I publish something new… however, I hope you enjoy this, and I hope you could tell me your opinion and, of course, if you can show me my mistakes, I still need to improve my grammar :3  
> Thank you, and until the next update!


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